Alcoholic is a nasty word. Say it out loud and chances are you still get the classic image of the falling-down booze-hound. A pathetic image, hopeless and depraved, a man made funny and stupid by drink, slurring his words.
In fact, the low-bottom, skid-row bum is the exception, representing only 3-5%. The vast majority of us function remarkably well in most aspects of our lives for many, many years. We put off looking at the dozens of intangible ways alcohol was affecting our lives. Taken from the book: Drinking: A Love Story by C Knapp
I learned that alcohol has truly affected my life. Even though I'm handling all aspects of my life, my struggles with booze is always going to be there.
I've been siting here, very lazily, thinking about some mistakes I've made in my life. Mistakes are what makes me stronger because I learn a lot from them. Last night was a mistake. I can't take it back. I can only move forward from here.
First thing I will do and need to do is get rid of every thing in my camp and house that contains alcohol. I know that if I ever feel as low as I did yesterday, I don't want easy access. A few days ago, my blog showed me emptying my bottle of wine. How stupid of me not to get rid of the coolers and the Blue Coracco and the Sour Puss. I guess I thought I had it all under control. Tough little Jen had this thing down pat! I fooled myself didn't I?
I let my guard down. Big time! 30 days didn't give me Power. I should have set myself up for another 30.
(this little old man just sat beside me....OMG he smells like a brewery....gag!)
I was going to lie to you and pretend that I didn't drink last night and continue on with my life but I know that I'd have to live with that decision and I want to be honest, especially with myself.
I did try and come off my anti-depressants, so maybe my body just had a total meltdown. I know that the pressure I felt was unbearable. I was miserable, irritated and pissed off cause I didn't want to drink but I did want the drink.
I know how wonderful I felt, being sober for 30 days and I want that back! Immediately! I need that back! When I saw my face in the mirror this morning, it reminded me of all those morning of feeling like shit, swollen, tired, and old. The last month of sobriety was exuberating! I will try harder this time, to make it last forever, or at least 60 days for now!
I'll journey with you for my next 60 days and beat my record. If you haven't seen this blog (http://tryonedayatatime.blogspot.ca/) please check her out. She needs us too!
I have learned so much in the last 35 days or so from all of you. I will continue to read, comment and post everyday. I know I need you more than ever.
Tomorrow will be my Day 1. I'm not drinking today, but I don't feel great and I know tomorrow will be my new beginning....
Jen, I've been where you are so many times. You havnt dissappointed me, I know it's hard. Today you'll be down, and maybe tomorrow, that is part of the alcohol leaving your body, trying to trick you into having another drink to feel good again. You are doing the only right thing you can, and that is to try again. Keep going. The blogosphere is here for you, all we've failed multiple time, all lied to ourselves, multiple times. There is no shame in being human with faults and frailties. Take care, chin up, Paul.
ReplyDeleteHoney you are so brave and strong and you're on the right track. I was exactly where you are today and I know how bad you are feeling and how fucking overwhelming this all is. For me, Carolyn's book REALLY opened my eyes. I went back on my anti-depressants (yep...I tried to come off mine too...big mistake). I immersed myself in the online community and (and I can't stress this enough) I took the journey one day - sometimes one minute at a time. Thinking about forever was just too much. Thinking about today I could do.
ReplyDeleteGood luck girl. You can soooo do this.
Sherry
((hugs))
ReplyDeleteI like this: "I know how wonderful I felt, being sober for 30 days and I want that back! Immediately!" time to get your car at the top of the hill, ready for the journey :) Hugs xo
ReplyDeleteMe too, still here, kicking myself for last night . . . Eyes pinnned, dulled senses, horrible sweats, self-loathing . . . Onwards and hopefully upwards Jen. You're not alone and you're not failing. You're trying and you're being honest. Just for today. Hugs and love x
ReplyDeleteJoin me in my promise to be sober for 30 days. Let's do it together. We can do it. What do we have to lose?
DeleteJen.
As Paul said... we've all been there and there's no shame in that. Don't be too hard on yourself, show yourself a little kindness and love. I felt so good in my first 40 days I halved my HRT, thinking i didn't need it. Craziness ensued. This might not be the right time to be messing with anti-depressant dosage?
ReplyDeletePerhaps we'll agree to focus on one thing at a time, one day at a time :)
Hugs to you xoxo
HI Jen
ReplyDeleteI am just so pleased you are here again with us today. You have had enormous stresses in your life so be kind to yourself and give yourself the biggest cyberhug from me. Please promise to stay blogging, you have not "let me down" but I would hate not to hear from you.