Thursday, 16 August 2012


I'm not gonna lie here and tell you I'm okay. I'm not okay. I don't know if I can handle not drinking for the rest of my days. Now that I've told people, including blogging friends that I quit, I feel stress and pressure to not drink. 

Last night at my neighbours campfire, my friend G said he was disappointed because it hasn't been as fun around here without me drinking. He basically gave me heck for training for my marathon (excuse that I gave him) and now that I'm in bed early and without booze its boring. And I have to agree with G. I'm probably extremely boring. I don't know how to have fun and laugh and let loose. I even find it hard to have long conversations with people and sometimes find I'm lost for words   

When I drank, I always had something to say, always made people laugh and always had perfect come-backs in conversations with people.  I miss being the life if the party. I don't want to be boring...and I am. I'm bored quite often too. 

Am I an alcoholic?  Maybe not. I didn't fall down drunk everyday. I didnt get up and needed beer first thing in the morning, like the people we see on Intervention .  I controlled it quite often and always took care of my kids and house and job. Is it really that bad to have a couple of relaxing glasses of wine, with your neighbours once in awhile?  Socially. I know I  can control it, especially now because I know I don't ever want to fall down drunk again. I am determined t stay in control of it. I won't let it control me like it did in the past. 

I told my neighbour K about my struggles and concerns about being an alcoholic. Her response was "no way!  You're not an alcoholic! ". Why would she think that?  Probably because I'm managing my life just fine. 

Moderation is in my thoughts now. Although I've read many blogs about this subject, I really feel ready for it. I feel like I could try it for 30 days now and see what happens. 

I know I may get the shit kicked out of me with this post but I gotta be honest with myself and with you. 



  1. i think that if you believe moderation is an option for you, then maybe you've tried it already, before. You've tried it and something didn't work for you ... and that's why you're here with us now looking for a different kind of help.

    if you'd like to try moderation again, then first maybe do 90 days sober and reassess. my gut feeling was that 31 days wasn't enough time in to have clarity and i say this because i got to 31 days myself and then extended it for longer. i knew i was thinking about drinking too often for a chick who was, in fact, not drinking.... (if that makes any sense).

    there's some stress in your life, and some confusion. booze doesn't fix either of those. it might give you a very temporary 'pause', but it comes with repercussions, too. And who knows how funny you really were when you were blacked out? my guess is not very funny.

    nobody cares if you're an alcoholic or not, it's just a word. maybe the only thing to consider is: do you often drink more than you want to, and do you often regret having consumed as much as you do.

    I hear you struggling and feeling crummy. i wish there were magic words. it's ok to feel crummy. it's ok to feel confused. the answer isn't in a bottle, the answer is in you. you may not find the answer tonight. that's ok. you can wait. wait some more. have a bath, a run, a cry, eat chocolate, and tell your friends to go pound sand.

    and i think you're Super Hilarious :) I know my vote doesn't count! You're a hero. You're taking care of yourself and your kids. And that's more important than being popular around the campfire.

    Hugs from me. from far away. I really don't know what else to say. Except, again, hugs from me.

  2. Hi Jen, I just read your post and your comment over at mine. I came here to comment as I thought it best, I don't know why ;-)
    I was the same, pre-Heroin I drank a lot. I am writing my life story on my blog under the "flashes from the archives" heading in the header bar. The drinking is about to begin (1982) Pre-drink I had social anxiety and nothing to say . . . ever! with drink I thought I was quite entertaining and funny and sexy (and I probably was - well at least to other drinkers) I expect I was cringe-worthy to sober people . . . I swapped booze for Heroin after 18 yrs drinking as I could no longer party all night with two young kids . . . 12 yrs on I'm still struggling with Heroin addiction. I keep on kidding myself I can do it in moderation . . . impossible for me it seems. It is so hard to let go. Like you I am a functioning user (or drinker in your case) in that my kids have never gone without and I pretty much keep it together. I have no choice, alone with three kids.
    I have never again been the fun girl I appeared to be when I was drinking. I don't go out and I have no friends. Yes, really. I stopped seeing my user friends to try and quit. I rely solely on the friends I have made through my blog for support and encouragement and sometimes just chat.
    So . . . I don't know how to have fun with this Jen. I'm very much finding my way at the minute. I've been referred today for a total mental assessment as I'm presenting as depressed and bipolar.
    Sorry this is long, but the one thing I do know is the truth is the only way through anything. Total honesty. To yourself and to everyone else. Sometimes that's the hardest thing to be, but in the long run it's all there is. Truth.
    Only you know if you can honestly do this without being an addict. If you do quit, as you know from other blogs, it wont be comfortable for a while, or fun. But there is so much to be gained in the long run from finding your true self. Yes, it will take time but it will be worth it. I'm telling myself this too, so please don't think I'm preaching . . . I've messed up today again, and praying for day one tomorrow.
    Thanks for reading over at mine Jen, I do understand how hard it is to stop and deal with life without drugs/drink . . . Raw feelings and new emotions.
    I look forward to reading more, even if it's a whole month or more of "day ones" . . . No one is judging you. Take care and be strong x

  3. I was really hoping I'd have something very witty and inspirational to say in response to this but I don't know the answers.

    You are obviously a strong woman to have made it this far. Another blogger around here says his lapses don't come in the form of an immediate blackout, but rather, moderation that becomes slowly and steadily back to out of control. And that sounds like what will be me, I don't know if it's true for you. But that's what I'm afraid for me. Although I don't have the count you have going, I had made it a week and then had that beer. Because it's like I wanted to show myself, see you can stop if you want, and have a beer if you want. It was in spite of myself. But I am not kidding myself, I enjoy drinking, as toxic as it can be.

    You don't want to drink or not drink because anyone else told you what to do, so please don't let your neighbor make you feel like you're no fun without it. You've even said you've been enjoying yourself sober and your new friends.

    Read back through your own blog, that's what I've been doing. Don't just think about how you are feeling today in this moment but look back at how you've felt this past month and why you've been following this path.

    Whatever choice you make, just keep your head up and know we are here for you to help you keep your journey a safe and happy one. If only it were easy. Wouldn't that be nice? <3 ((HUGS))

  4. G can go jump and K thinks she's being kind but doesn't really necessarily know. BORING??!! Sorry but I get so mad at that attitude, even when I have it to myself. Only boozers think non-drinkers are boring. BOOZERS! Only people who are actually wanting to 'get drunk' think non-drinkers are boring. You are not boring. You are a more gentle, low-key, raw version of yourself who is doing something really brave, digging really deep to be the best woman and mum that you can be. You will not always be this extreme raw, stilted (in conversation) version of's very early days. Keep on with the not drinking and you'll find you'll become your sparkly social person again without some mind-bending shit that we have a dysfunctional relationship with (that's the booze baby). Try moderation, keep us posted, we are here for you. But darling .. You. Are. Not. Boring. xxx

  5. You don't have to stay sober for the rest of your only have to stay sober TODAY. Who knows what God will bring tomorrow?

  6. Hey Jen, I've been following your progress and am glad you have always been a few days ahead of me. If those "friends" hadnt called you boring would you have really been considering this question? And why do they try and pull you into their habit? To justify their own inaction. It is anything but boring to go against the grain of society. You've read the stories around, they are all, interesting. The feelings and thoughts that are expressed, now that the authors are free of the haze of grey, are interesting and inspiring.

    I'm going to be missed for not being the drunk clown and funny guy. But I'd rather not have to rely on people laughing AT me to feel like I belong. They can go and get their kicks out of someone else. The world is an inherently interesting place. There is just so feaking much.... Your mind could explode thinking about it.

    The is no doubt in my mind your kids find you more interesting sober than drunk, I know mine do. And their opinion matters so much more than the people who need me to justify their own habits. Who's doing who a favor? They don't want you to drink for your own sake but for their sake.

    Also, with all the shit you've got going on family wise, a clear head will be a blessing. Remember your camp friends and neighbors don't need to handle your hangover, you do.

    Please, take care, Paul.

  7. Everyone has already said what I want to say. But in addition I want to tell all those non helpful people in you life that DO NOT have your best interests at heart to FUCK OFF.
    You are better than any of them. They are threatened by your bravery. You are feeling a little raw because you opened your heart in your letter to your family yesterday. Just retreat for a while and look after the beautiful, wonderful brave person that is YOU YOU YOU. xx

  8. Jen, don't listen to your neighbors. They don't live with you everyday. No one will understand because they are not you. Read all your post in the last 30 days and you'll remember why you quit. You are better than that.
    You will adapt to the new you and learn to accept yourself without alcohol. You need to start giving yourself a little pat on the shoulder and realize that you are an awesome person when you are sober. You are kind and generous, funny and genuine. Those who are dissapointed that you quit drinking because you are not "wild and loud" should give their head a shake. They are selfish! Maybe you should consider making new friends?
    I love you just the way you are!
    Your lil' sis. xoxoxo