Tuesday, 7 August 2012

Blue Jays!

I wasn't sure what to post today. so I'm going with something so special and meaningful in my life.  One of my blogging buddies asked me today if I ever passed Day 21.  
About 4 years ago, I went to a treatment center for a 21 day recovery program.  Then I quit drinking for a couple months after that.  I have no clue how many days I lasted.  I wasn't counting.
It was a bad time in my life.  This is the time that I hit rock bottom.  I'm not sure that it was a hard hit for some but it was rough for me.

I went out one evening and drank my face off.  Can't remember much after midnight.  Drank Smirnoff Ice all night.  My hubby was home watching the children.  He had to work the next day.

When I woke up in the morning, I was sicker than a dog.  I ran to the bathroom several times to get sick.  I have never been so sick in my life.  My children were 2 and 5 at the time.  I was so sick that I saw blood.  Put a movie or 3 on for kids, laid in bed all day and puked my guts out.  I was sure I had alcohol poisoning and I was terrified.   Last time I went to the toilet I fell over, fainted and banged my head on the ceramic floor.  I woke up to a 2 year old sitting on me...saying "get up mom".  I have no clue how long I was out.

I remember feeling all the feelings we speak about in our posts. ...that horrific, guilty, sickening feeling we all felt when we were hungover and had to take care of our children the next day.  I felt like a horrible mommy.  How can I let myself get so carried away with alcohol?  How does one get so drunk that she makes herself sick and unable to attend to her children?

I went to counseling after this episode and she helped me discover a lot about myself.  She referred me to the treatment center.

Blue Jays come into play here because for a few weeks before this nasty hangover, they would hang around our backyard....and sing such beautiful melodies.  We would feed them peanuts right out of our hands.

That morning, there were 3 of them...each one of them, representing my 3 children.   It was such a huge sign for me to get my shit together and live my life better than what I had been doing.  Why didn't I listen way back then?  Why wasn't I this strong...as strong as I am today?

Today, I went for a jog (still at camp).  As I was finishing my awesome run in the rain, I heard the sound of those Blue Jays!  They are back in my life telling me things are going to be okay!!  My children are okay and our lives are getting on track!  I feel better than I have in such a long time.

Thank God for Blogs!

Have a great day
Day  22

Thanks Belle for inspiring me to post everyday for 60, then 90.  I feel great!  It feels great to let all this shit out!


  1. I just started reading your blog, I really enjoy it. Way to go!!

    1. Hello. I'm just looking through your blog. I'm going to read from the beginning! You are strong! Keep working at it!
      Xo. Jen

  2. you're gonna make me cry ... no kidding, this is the best line ever: "I feel better than I have in such a long time." it wasn't that long ago that you felt completely wacky. and now look at how well you're doing. some days suck, but you don't drink. some days rock, and you don't drink. you write when you think you have nothing to write about, and you touch others - you touch me. thank you for being so inspiring :) hugs from me.

  3. Hi Jen, thanks for keeping on blogging. Morning afters... A great thing to leave behind. No more waking and thinking, who the fuck was I last night? Or where am I? That alone is such a gift to give yourself, the knowledge that you will the the potential to make the most of everyday (obviously any day can turn to shit pretty fast, even when sober). I haven't woken up dissappointed with myself for almost three weeks, but instead each day with a sense of moving forward, and blogging is so far an important part of that. Take care, Paul.

  4. You are doing so great! I am loving reading your blog and I am following every post and rooting for you from afar. Not always commenting because I am having to hold myself back while I meet this MA deadline but know that I really am there for you. You are doing so so well in beating this demon, yes! We can beat the demon booze!! Booze be gone!! What is this camp that you are on? But anyway... all the best, take care, go gently, be kind to yourself and all those very important things. Your kids don't even realize how awesome you are being in making this big brave decision. They will one day. Lots of love xxx

    1. Thank you so much Mrs D. Your support means a lot to me. Good luck with your MA. I know how much work it is.
      xxoo Jen