Monday, 13 August 2012

They Never Noticed....

When I was 14, I would have sleepovers. My friends and I would sneak beer from my parents case. They were drunk so I knew they wouldn't notice. After a while, we discovered that it was easier to sneak out liquor. We would scratch a line on the bottle, pour liquor into a container and fill it with water. My parents were drunk so they would never notice.
During high school dances, we would fill our hairspray bottles with liquor, run to the bathroom to "fix our hair" and add the liquor to our pop.
When I was 16 I babysat a neighbours children and snuck liquor out of their cabinet while the kids watched TV!

I was a teenager with no self-confidence.  I had a lot of difficulty talking to friends or new people. The booze would help with that so I found ways to get it. I wanted people to talk to me, to like me.  Why didn't I have confidence?  How did I know that booze would give me confidence to talk to people?

When I was 15, my dad hit my mom for the first time. They were both drunk. From that day forward, there were many nights of horror in my life. I would sleep in my closet, with my pillow and teddy bear and wait till the swearing and hitting stopped so that I could fall asleep.   They never noticed. 

When I was 16, I came home from working my first job.  They were both drunk and fighting. I heard my father hit my mother and I yelled at him to stop. He came after me and hit me several times.  Why was he so angry?  I ran out of the house. It was nearly midnight. We lived in the country. I walked a few miles up the road to a pay phone in the pitch black. It was the scariest night of my life.  I could only see the little white line in the center of the road and prayed that God would take care of me. He did!
They never noticed. 

I forgive my parents.

 I forgive you for not noticing.   I forgive you because I know you were only doing what you could with what you know.  I forgive you for numbing your pain with alcohol.  I forgive you for not discovering the beauties in life, including sobriety. 

Sorry about the bummer post guys but I feel like I had to let this go in order to stay sober today!  This is just the beginning of my healing process!

Take care. Jen

I am not really sure whether to post this or not. I know that I have let go of some hurt and resentments from my past in order for me to live the life I want. I definitely want to break the cycle in our family because I don't want to ever "not notice" my children's feelings or worries.  

My parents continue to drink heavily today. I was supposed to go see them for a visit this week (they live 4 hours away from me) but I really don't think I'm ready to face them being sober   I'm really afraid to visit them actually!  For now, phone calls will have to do. I may wait till my 90th day to face them.  


  1. You are strong. Glad you shared with us <3

  2. I had to forgive my parents in order to move was hard. Please wait until you're sure you can handle it before you go and face those demons...they can be a real bitch. But you can break this cycle and it's sooooo worth it.

    Good luck! And thanks for commenting on my blog cause it let me find yours!


  3. It's a strong post Jen, I read in one of the thousands of self help books out there that writing a letter of forgiveness to those in your life is an important part of creating happiness. Easier said than done, I haven't done it to my living asshole dad and dead mother yet, so you are doing really well, and it wouldn't have been easy. Take care, Paul.

  4. parents who drink just have no idea how scared it makes their kids. i'm for certain-sure they don't do it on purpose, like your parents didn't try to ignore you. they just did the best the could with their limited abilities, and we all know that their best wasn't NEARLY good enough. not by a mile.

    there was also violence in my home as well (i was a bit younger than you were) and it's completely miserable. Hugs from me. You made it out, you're living proof that strong people can come out of shitty situations, AND you're doing better for your own kids.

    That makes you my hero.

  5. I'm so sorry. That sounds like a lot of pain. You don't have to go see them now or at 90 days. Whenever you do go, maybe you can do a shortened visit or have a backup plan to leave if it gets to be too much. You will have changed, but they won't. Good for you on wanting to break the cycle. It breaks my heart to think of how little I thought of my kids when I was drinking.