Sunday, 5 August 2012

Tough Weekend-Needs Advice

Friday morning...left for camp....feeling the pressures and stresses of life.
Haven't spoken to or slept with hubby in over a are hyper, loud, fighting all the ride was a nightmare...Son kicking daughter's seat...he's singing, she's yelling at him to be quiet because she wants to hear her own music....boy I need a drink tonight.  I effin deserve a drink man!
Got to camp...emailed hubby and told him things just weren't working out.. We aren't happy together.  He said he knows and will probably be gone at the end of the that was easy....
Feel lonely...

At camp, I go for a walk, meet up with Dan and Lou.
"Hey Jen!  Come for a beer!"
"Not right now Dan but I may join you later for a glass of Red Wine!"  Told him I had to celebrate!
Hey!  I lost 8 pounds in 3 weeks.  I am able to run up to 7 KM without stopping now.  I'm training for a half marathon.  I feel great!  Kicked my hubby out.  Been sober for 18 days (I think)   I deserve to celebrate, right??
Feeling lonely....

Walk over to Jen's.  Kids are playing with friends.
"Want a beer?"
"No I haven't had beer in almost 3 weeks.  I feel great!"
"Good for you!"  she says.
"I may have a glass of red wine later."
"Well, hey I got some homemade red wine.  I'll crack open a bottle." She says as she walks over to get it.
I sat there and thought <Cool...>  and <shit>  and <oh I really want to do this?>  and  <I deserve it> and   <Fuck it, I'll only have one glass> and  <What are my blogging buddies gonna think?> and  <Shit, I'm going disappoint my sister>

Anyway, needless to say, I drank the glass of wine and fuck it was good!   Sorry but it was.  We chatted, I vented, she vented.  We laughed....
I walked to my camp, poured myself a glass of wine and walked over to Dan and Lou's.  Shot the shit there, vented, got a nice little buzz, felt disappointed but happy at the time, thought I really don't want to get drunk like them right now.  Thought Fuck!  What did I do?

Went home, got a bottle of water...Jen came over for a glass of wine.  I poured her a glass and poured me one of course....but I didn't and couldn't drink it.  I didn't want to get drunk!  I didn't want to do this to my body after all the friggen hard work.  So I pretended to drink it with her.  We chatted, vented, laughed....and when she left I poured it back into the bottle.

I settled my kids into bed and felt like shit.   Not because I drank too much (Heck, I only had 2 glasses, one more than I wanted) but because I disappointed ME!

I thought <How the hell am I gonna blog about this one?>

Had a very restless sleep.  Tossed and turned like there's no tomorrow.

Let me count my sober days.  I had 15 days in on July 31st  Friday was Aug 3rd so that brings me to 17 Days sober. ...or 18 minus 1 now.

Saturday morning...forced myself to jog...did 3 KM.   Kicked myself in the ass.  I don't want to start over again.  I don't want to drink anymore damn it!  Why the hell is it so difficult?????

Saturday was worse than Friday.  I was offered beer, shots, wine, beer, beer and more friggen beer.  It was 31 degrees or 38 with humidex...(that's degrees Celcius in Canada)  A nice cold beer would be perfect today.   Hell, everyone else is enjoying it.  I already fucked up maybe I'll just drink for a week, get it out of my system and start over.   All these things running through my head.

Spent most of the day on Beach with kids, sober.
Had a Halloween at camp for kids, handed out treats, sober.
Went to my buddy, Jen's, sober
Went to Beach after supper, sober
Went to Lou and Dan's for a Guitar session (I don't play), sober!
Ended my day, sober!!

Fuck yeah!!!  This is what I want in my life!  SOBER!

Everyone at Dan and Lou's....drunk, loud, slurring.  Lou even asked me why I was so quiet, she thought I was depressed.  I was sober!  Listening to all conversations, wondering why I've wanted this in my life for so long, saying I don't want it!

Went home, snuggled with my daughter all night. Felt super-dee-duper.

Got up this morning and read Belle's post!  I'm so glad I did because her advice to herself will be important part of my sobriety today.

She writes:

Dear Belle:  write and comment and blog every day for the first 60 days or maybe 90 days. longer than you think. don’t give into complacency. don’t think for one second that you have it figured out. Yes, you have a lot to do today, but if you drink champagne today, when everyone else is drinking champagne today, you’ll fall over and this journey will end abruptly. stay alert.
stay alert.
there may be moments of wondering IF, and seconds of feeling like it isn’t worth it.
it is.
Belle, you are a rock in my life!!
I may not have great posts like you but I will post everyday for a while.  I have to.    I'm glad you referred to Imogen.  I will read her Blog from Day one.

I will take her advice and say I've been sober for 20 minus a day!

Thank God For Blogs!


  1. Jen, loved this post. You are so honest and were able to analyse yourself and put it all down. One doughnut does not break a diet, (unless we let it) why should one glass be more than it is on this journey? (unless we allow it). You're doing so well with all the tough stuff going on. Keep blogging, I love hearing from you. Cleo xx

  2. All the words and arguments and justifications that went through your head are exactly what i go through. You're doing so well, and a couple of glasses of wine hasn't deterred you from your path.
    I fell off the wagon a little harder and drank to get drunk, just as i always have.
    I love your sober realisations though: "she thought I was depressed. I was sober!" That is brilliant :) Hang in there, you're doing great x

  3. you make me smile. you do have great posts. i check your site every morning when i wake up, so that i can see how you're doing. it is weird, but i feel like we're all connected in this *thing* :) I understand celsius and i understand humidex and i HEAR you. and you're yet another sober runner. hugs from me in the cyberworld.

  4. Good to hear from you. I also check your blog. In past I've failed, had one and gone fuck it, I'll get rip roaring pissed now. You've got a much saner head on your shoulders it seems. Good luck and Keep up the good work!

    1. I don't always feel sane
      With today's stresses and our efforts to stay sober, I think it's okay to feel "coo coo" at times.

      Thanks for your comments guys. I love your support. I love to hear that my struggles with booze is "normal" for us boozers!
      Heck, most people don't understand us (especially my hubby, soon to be ex... Yippee! ) Getting rid of alcohol and a big anus in the same month.... Quite an accomplishment!

  5. "getting rid of alcohol and a big anus" ...really, you are hysterical. and it's Gigantic Anus. but who's being picky :) Quite an accomplishment ...