Thanks for all your notes yesterday. Your support means the world to me. Last night was the worst for me. My nerves were shot so badly. I felt like my body wanted to explode.
I almost opened my Smirnoff Ice cooler about 24 times just to cool off. It's still in the fridge. I will definitely get rid of it today and it won't be in my body.
I ate a whole bag of BBQ chips and 2 big bowls of peanut butter crunch ice cream.
I downloaded the book that a few people recommended on here. Drinking. A Love Story by Caroline knapp. What a great read. Here's what I learned last night. Notes from the author.
Alcoholic is a nasty word. Say it out loud and chances are you still get the classic image of the falling-down booze-hound. A pathetic image, hopeless and depraved, a man made funny and stupid by drink, slurring his words.
In fact, the low-bottom, skid-row bum is the exception, representing only 3-5%. The vast majority of us function remarkably well in most aspects of our lives for many, many years. We put off looking at the dozens of intangible ways alcohol was affecting their lives.
I learned that alcohol has truly affected my life. Even though I'm handling all aspects of my life, my struggles with booze is always going to be there.
Pause pause pause
Oh boy! Honestly, I drank lots last night. Fuck! My face is swollen today. I hate myself. It sucked that I have no other way to control my anxieties. I did eat chips and ice cream and the urge to drink was overwhelming. I didn't get wasted or anything but I felt numb for a while. I felt like all these stresses are going on my life and it just accumulated till I wanted to burst. I felt so tired and depressed and anxious.
I'm sorry to disappoint you all, my friends an my sister, and Me.
I'm not sure where to go from here. I do know that I want to stay sober today and for the next 30 days to come.
Oh my you didn't disappoint me! And whether or not you disappointed yourself is up to you. Unconditional love and support means just that. Wherever this journey takes you, if you choose to continue to blog your way through it, I will continue to read and support you through it.
ReplyDeleteWhere you go from here is up to you...and you only have to get there one day at a time.
Sherry
I am with SoberMomrocks. Today you know stuff you didn't yesterday about yourself and your stresses and reactions, Don't beat yourself up, just listen to what your heart is telling you and decide what YOU want to do. Just keep blogging!
ReplyDeletei say: figure out what you need to be successful, and get yourself some of that :) if you need more support, or more contact or more talking or more sleep. whatever you need. time to take care of you.
ReplyDeleteI'm right here with you Jen (in spirit) I numbed out again last night . . . Too much to deal with again. I know, excuses, excuses.
ReplyDeleteWe can do this and we will do this. Just keep writing and getting all the support you can. There are some great people here supporting you/us.
I will keep reading as long as you keep blogging.
Hugs, love and prayers sent your way x
I had a similar night last night. I'll start today with you. Here's a promise to the next 30 days of sobriety?
ReplyDeleteWhat they all said. Please don't beat yourself up. It is bloody hard to resist the appeal of numbing out with our old pal and supporter booze. That sly booze tricks us in to thinking it's a friend helping us with life's trickeries.... it has us convinced well and truly. You've got a lot going on with your relationship and all that pressure from the boozers around you. Don't beat yourself up but keep writing, definitely keep writing. We are here and will support you xxx
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