Sunday, 30 September 2012


I've  made many mistakes in my life. Some hurt me, some hurt others and some of them were learning experiences.   Some of them, I regret.
I try to take life one day at a time.  I try to eliminate most stressors in my life so that I can just have a simple, calm life. 

But, there is always something or someone that interferes with this balanced calm life that I want so desperately.  Booze and Ex-Husbands!

First, I'd like to say that I have missed my blogging buddies. I know you are there for support and it helps me stay sober (most days). I did have 3 run-ins with alcohol since my last post. I will talk about these today because I'm trying to learn from those mistakes I've made and not regret them, although its tough! 

Life's been busy that's for sure. I'm trying to keep it balanced and focused on my running. I just finished a 16 km run and am hoping to go to Toronto for a half marathon in a couple of weeks. 

I had a few drinks with some co-workers upon my return to work. It was nice to hang out, laugh and have a few drinks, socially. They stayed for a couple hours, then they were gone. It was done. . Had dinner and felt great wasn't drunk or anything like that. Just felt good to unwind!    

Now, this night made my mind crazy. I thought  "hey, I can surely drink socially now. I know my limits. I just proved it to myself.". So, this is where I made my choice to my drink socially, no matter what. 

End of season at drunk with my good friend.  Had a blast until I puked in the garbage in front of my daughter at 1 AM in the morning. Yuck!  What happened to "I can handle and control the that I don't over do it.   Daughter was absolutely devastated. I felt like shit that night and passed out in her bed.  Felt like shit the next day too. 

Weekend after that one..thought I'd learned from my mistakes. I'll just have a couple. It was our last night at camp for the winter so it was a celebration slash sadness.  I don't like winter.  I love camp.  I made a fire and cracked open an ice cold beer. Ahhhhh!  Yes, it was relaxing, unwinding and....all the other shit that goes through our minds.   Had another within 10 minutes and I was off to my neighbours to invite them to my fire.  They came.  We opened a big bottle of red wine and I was, again sloshed by dinner time. I had no ability to make my kids food because I was getting sick in the bathroom...trying desperately to hide from my kids. My friend stayed to cook the burgers and I was able to eat with the kids after i got sick .  I had a snooze after dinner while the kids watched a movie and was okay for the rest of the night.  Wondered what the eff happened again.   Next day, kids said "Mom, you were drunk!  Stop drinking beer!  "

Oh boy, I knew I was in for a lot of grief, especially because they were going to be going to their daddy's and telling him all about our weekend.

So, where do I stand now!  I am embarrassed. I don't crave booze and really hate it.  I'm afraid that I disappointed some of you. I know I disappointed me and my kids.   Am I getting grief?  Oh harassment. 

Can I drink socially?   Hell no!   Do I want to?  Part of me still believes I can I guess?  I'll probably always believe I can.  I want to be able to just drink socially and have a couple without barfing.  But the other part, which learned from my last two drinking binges knows damn well that I can't. 

I know I don't like feeling like shit. I've still been focussing on my health and running.   I like feeling great so why the hell would I put myself in a situation where I want to drink?

I'm going through some tough times with the ex-hubby.   He's been harassing me, not only because I drank last week but because he blames only me for damaging this family  he told my kids that he wanted mommy back and that its all my fault that we are not a family   He told my 11 year old daughter that I went to rehab and that I am an alcoholic!  He is saying things to my children that they shouldn't be hearing at their ages.  ...and there's nothing I can do but stay sober, calm and balanced.  I will get counseling for them and for myself regarding this.  

I promised my children that I wouldn't drink anymore because I know that my actions have hurt them and now that their daddy is putting shit in their heads about me, it's even worse. 

So, all in all,  I quit drinking July 16 th and had 5 mishaps with alcohol. I consider this not too bad compared to my past experiences with the shit.  

I am not perfect but damn I'm trying hard here.   I really really don't want alcohol in my life anymore......ever again!   

Did I learn from my mistakes?  Yes!  I learned a heck of a lot!

I missed you guys!   

Any advice on where I go from here? 


  1. Hello, I've been reading your blog for a while but have never commented.

    I'm on day 22 on my second attempt at sobriety. I made it to 22 weeks last time and then I started to think that I could drink a glass or two of wine and walk away. Within a year I was back where I started from :-(

    All you can do is try again.
    Take care

  2. Hi, Just keep on trying. Progress not perfection as they say in N/A A/A . . . Keep on writing and being honest. Everyone respects honesty and bravery, you are both honest and brave ;-)
    It's the lies of the addiction that tell us that we can "drink socially" or control my "heroin intake" . . . to try and keep it's place in our lifes. You've done good to have so many sober days . . . I'm still trying for day one.
    Your kids will be proud of you and it won't matter what the ex says about you, You're their Mother and they love you. He'll get no respect from them by bad mouthing you. What goes around comes around . . don't worry about him and try to not let him afeect your life. I know that's easy said . . .
    Stay strong and healthy. Take care x

  3. Hi there sweet pea, welcome back :) glad you're here! advice? get to 30 days, then get to 60. then wait for something to will click. then it'll get easier.

    you don't have to quit 'forever', you just start by deciding to quit 'for now' ... and then you give yourself some time to get used to being sober.

    i've been your kids. they're terrified. they want their mommy back :) (no matter how old they are!).

    you've shown a lot of grit and determination with your running. you just have to figure out how to carry that over to this other part of your life. You make plans to support your running, you ensure you're ready to run, that you get your time in. This is just another challenge like running. One that gets a little bit easier every single day.

    hugs to you.

  4. "I am not perfect but damn I'm trying hard here. I really really don't want alcohol in my life anymore......ever again!"

    So good to hear from you Jen. I can't say anything better than you have said in the sentence above. Just keep on keeping on and reminding yourself how much you hate the booze.

  5. Hi Jen, while I'm glad to see a post from you, I am saddened by what's happened since your last place. I feel for you, particularly as nasty ex's can use any situation for their own purposes, regardless of how it confuses the children. You are going to be your harshest critic, so there nothing really to add except to say I think we've all been there before and we do understand.

    Learn to recognize that voice that leads you down the garden path... It mighty say things like "one or two isn't so bad..." and before you know it you find yourself on a slippery slope... And yes, I is a drag to have to be so vigilant, but it does get easier. It just becomes "who you are". Take care, and welcome back.. Paul.