Day 12! Breathe Jen ...Breathe

I woke up this morning from a rough night sleep. A friggen fly buzzed around my head for an hour, the kids frogs made noises in the aquarium outside and my daughter snores like crazy. We are at camp so we are all sleeping in a little space. I thought about blogging all night and a few other issues I'm dealing with...marriage and shit.
I woke up this morning with the goal to write a blog called 10 things I'm grateful for, when the phone rang.

Before I tell you who it was, let me give you a little history on my marriage. I was married for 10 years to a very negative, cocky man. It was his fault I drank so much for the last 10 years, so I thought. I saved money for the last 5 years of our marriage so I can leave him and buy a house for me and my kids. I was so hoping to move on with my life without him...so that I wouldn't drink so much! We separated for two years, and let me tell you I was extremely happy! I still drank of course so I stopped blaming my husband and came to a realization that it wasn't all his fault that I wanted to drink the problems away. We just got back together in March of this year. I told him I would try one more time for my kids sakes. Our separation was so tough on them and I felt so guilty for breaking up the family. Needless to say, I haven't loved him in a very long time.
So here I am...at a point in my life...in an unhappy marriage, wild children that are rude and out of control and sober on day 12...struggling each damn day to stay that way. We've been fighting for the last few days, hence reasons I've been wanting to drink so bad. I don't want to deal with the bullshit.
After two years of seperation, you'd figure he'd make the changes necessary for a better marriage and to be a better person, but he hasn't. Now I'm trapped.

The phone rings... It's the conveynor for the Soccer Association here in town. She asked my if I coached the game Monday night (I am the regular coach). I said no, my husband did. Why? She said that someone filed an incident report against the coach. She couldn't get into detail of course because there's going to be meetings to discuss this case etc...
If you all know me a little,I just about lost my marbles. The problem I have is I take on everyone else's problems and make them my own, then drink to forget about it all. I'm sitting here at camp, my hasband's at home ( the house I bought for me and my kids) and I can't discuss this with him because he's working till later on.

I know he's not my soulmate and there is someone else for me. This is just the icing on the cake. Being sober for almost two weeks has made me realize two things. I drink because of me...my problem, no one else's and I'm happy with the sober me. I also learned so much more reading so many great blogs.

I'm going to hit this marriage or future divorce straight on. I'm going to take care of me. I'm going to stay sober so that I can face and feel it and experience all the emotions of the roller coaster ride I'm heading for.

I am grateful for 10 things in my life. I will create a new post for that and challenge all of you to create the same post!

Thanks for letting me vent to you all!
Have a great sober day!


Jen