Friday 26 October 2012

I'm ok

Hi everyone. Had lots of ups and downs since my marathon...winter blues are hitting me hard and I didn't run for a week so I got very depressed.   I'm back on track. I've been sooooo friggen busy though. Almost lost focus a couple of times. It's so easy to lose focus. I haven't though. A few times I thought of the drink, something always came up and I take this as huge signs and messages to get back on track, run and stay focused on my sobriety!  It's way too important to me.  I hate that I struggle everyday sometimes. I'm tired of thinking of drinking.

Keep focused Jen....youve come a long way.

God bless

Happy Friday!

Tuesday 16 October 2012

Cravings still exist...

I met my sisters for dinner after a very long stressful day. I didn't want to go because I was tired and bitchy. I just wanted to crawl into my hole and be left alone. We don't get together too often because of our separate busy lives so I dragged my arse out.

 All the way there, I thought "Gosh, a nice cold Ceasar would be perfect right now....or even a nice glass of red wine".  I just wanted to unwind and numb my mind for 30 friggen minutes.   I even thought of going into the restaurant a little early so I could down a drink before the sisters got there. 

Why is it that I craved it today?

 Is it because since July 16th, when I officially stopped (with a couple of slip ups) I was focused on training for a marathon and now that its done, I'm done thinking of sobriety too? Is it because I feel like I deserve a damn break from the pressures of life and motherhood and exes and careers? It's the little demons playing in my head, saying heck....you deserve it Jen...just one to relax your mind.

I get that shit! It just sucks! It sucks!

didn't have a drink tonight and I still feel like I deserve a break. I did have a great evening with my sisters and a few good laughs. 

 I need to refocus and direct my thoughts to where I have been, what I've been through to get where I am today, and where I want to go in my future. 

 Goodnight Jen and all my blogging buds! 
God Bless!

Monday 15 October 2012

People who get on your Nerves

Isn't it a perfect time for me to read Chapter 5 in Living Sober.

We all deal with people who get our nerves and sometimes we think "Damn it, I need a drink so I can stop thinking of that anus or biatch".
We sometimes probably thought at one time or another that our drinking problem was someone else's fault!  I actually blamed my ex-husband for years!  I thought that he brought on so much stress in my life that I needed the drink to unwind so that I didn't punch him in the face on a daily basis.  The drink kept me grounded and calm...so I thought.
Many times, we drank just because everyone else was drinking and we wanted to "fit" in.
Many times, we gave reasons for our drinking so that people understood why we drank so much and shouldn't criticize us.  There were many days I said aloud "If you lived with my ex, you'd drink too or if you had to put up with my students, you'd drink too."  "

Live and Let Live

It is this line that allows us to realize that we cannot control other people.  We cannot control what other people do or say or how they act.  We can, however, control OUR reactions and actions when we encounter such individuals that just get on our nerves.

Do we really want to allow some annoying anus or biatch to take part of our sobriety away that we want so badly?  They are not worth it!  We've come too far!

I will not pick up a drink because my ex texts me 15 times a day with nasty messages!  I will not pick p a drink because my neighbour annoys me so much.  I will not pick p a drink because my son drives me nuts and leaves his dirty underwear on the floor every damn day!

Life is full of people.  We must find people in our lives that are positive and able to bring out the best in us!  The sober us!


I ran my half marathon this weekend. It was the most amazing experience of my life!  Out of 10 000 people, I placed 3 500th. I finished in 2:00 on the dot!   I will continue to run and participate in races. It keeps me focused on my health.   If you think...wow...I could never do that....you are wrong!  If I can do it, you can!  Trust me!   You have it in YOU (mind, body, spirit)  to do anything you want to do for yourself!  


God Bless!


Thursday 11 October 2012

Acceptance

My last post talked about the "allergies" our bodies have to certain things.    For a long time, I struggled with my drinking. I knew it made me sick quite often and I knew it made me do things I wouldn't normally do.  I also felt like I lived in a "fog" for most of my adult life, not really living it entirely and Fully Alive.  It was like there was a hazy cloud around me, preventing me to see the beauty and gifts in my life.  For the most part, I thought this was a normal way of living.

Being sober and accepting the fact that booze makes me sick...I see life in a whole different way.  I've come to accept that my body cannot take booze like it use to or like others can.  I've discovered so much about how and a normal life should be lived.  I am blessed to have discovered this now instead of later or when it would have been too late.  I still have many beautiful years ahead of me!

"Who has time to feel deprived or self-pitying when you find there are so many delights connected with living happily unafraid  of your illness?". Living Sober

When I first decided to get my shit together and quit drinking, I did feel sorry for myself and often thought "Do I really want to do this for the rest of my life". I didn't want to accept that I had a disease or that I couldn't control myself when I drank.   There's still a little part of me that thinks I can....that will probably always be there.  But the bigger part of me that has accepted my fate as a person who gets sick with booze, has grown big time and knows which path she want my life to go through....the healthy one.

Anyone who wants it is welcome to a "free trial period" of this new concept of self.  Afterward, anyone who wants the old days again is perfectly free to start them all over.  It is your right to take back your misery if you want it. (Sober Living)

This statement is amazing!   The new self!  It's worth living for!


I'm heading out to the big city of Toronto Canada for the weekend. I won't have much time to blog because I'm preparing for my half-marathon. I won't have time to think about booze either.
I'll be living and living life to the fullest!

God Bless!

Wednesday 10 October 2012

Weddings

Weddings....

Two beautiful people who love each other, exchange vows and commit to spending the rest of their Iives together.  It takes 15 minutes then  you're hitched for the rest of your life...

I still believe in marriage and commitment to that one person that will be my bestfriend forever.  Although, I'm going through the divorce stage in my life right now,  I do know and truly believe in love and fairy tale romances. I believe that somewhere, out there, is my other half.  The other half of me that when we are together become one.  It will happen.

Weddings....

A night of celebrations, toasts, dancing, and drinking...for most of us anyway.   I watched most people drink, socially, not to get drunk like I probably would have if I was drinking. May people just sipped and danced and felt good, but not drunk. I had a weak moment where I could have snuck some drinks from my little sister's glass but didn't. I had an awkward moment  when everyone stood up to toast the bride and groom with their wine glasses. I had an empty water bottle and hoped no one noticed.   I danced and laughed and had fun...sober. I took my son and niece back to the hotel early, which was probably in my best interest 

I woke up the next day feeling super great ,but tired ( the pillows sucked in my room so I didn't sleep well).   I was up early, brought kids some breakfast and was ready to run.  Saw my little sister and she looked at me, with her puffy eyes and said..."I wish I felt like you right now".  And THAT made it all worth it for me!  I got to run my 18 k in preparation for my big race weekend, coming up. I'm raising money for cancer.  

I have been eating more than I want to...especially deserts but I know that will pass too. 

Chapter 4 in my book "Living Sober" talks about how a person with a food allergy will not consume the food he or she is allergic to.   
For example, I teach a child who has a severe allergy to peanuts, thus our schools peanut-free!  The whole school population cannot bring any type of food that may contain peanuts to school.  Makes sense, doesn't it?  If my child was in those shoes, I'd do anything I can to protect him or her from having an anaphylactic reaction to peanuts!    Our job is to protect our children from anything that would harm them.  So, who is in charge of me?  I am!  I must remember that consuming alcohol makes me sick!  I can't have it around me...I don't want it in my home. The last two times I drank, I puked my guts out!  it literally makes me sick. I can't get a shot of Epipen and it will go away. 

We must learn to live with the bodies we have.   I ask myself quite often, how do other people do it?  And the answer is ...because they can.  They are not allergic to alcohol like I am

Alcoholism is incurable....just like some other illnesses.  It cannot be "cured" in this sense:  we cannot change our body chemistry and go back to be the normal, moderate social drinkers lots of us seemed to be in our youth. (from Living Sober)

Tuesday 9 October 2012

Checking In

Thanks Paul!


I had a great "sober"weekend.  I did had some tough moments at the wedding but they passed. I got to run an 18 k which really helped. My half marathon is this weekend so I was focused on staying healthy!

I feel great!  No regrets!  No hangovers!

Friday 5 October 2012

Breathe.....

(2nd post today) How many times have we woken up the next day, and thought "Never again!  I can't drink anymore!  I quit!  I feel like shit!  I'm going on the wagon!"  Many people, including non-alcoholics say this.  Many of them can really live by the saying "I'm on the wagon" and feel good about that.
Many of us alcoholics can stay on the wagon until the horses bring us to another red barn.  The red barn contains our friends that are waiting for us with the drink and they are ready to party with them.  The horse stops, we get off the wagon and fall right back to where we were in the beginning.  We just feel new guilt and new remorse and the cycle thus continues.

Although we realize that alcoholism is a permanent, irreversible condition, our experience has taught us to make no long-term promises about staying sober.  (taken from Living Sober)

This is so true.  I, like many of us, often ask ourselves "Do I really want to quit for the rest of my life?" This is the question we are so often faced with and we all know that the answer "No way"

But, we keep finding ourselves in the same damn situation.  One of defeat and despair because we decided to pick up that one drink.

How does one stay sober for a year? or twenty years?  If he or she can do it, we know it is possible!  Is is will-power?  Is it determination?  Is it the realization that we are allergic to booze and cannot have it in our lives because we don't want to be sick?

It needs to be a daily focus!  An hourly focus! A minute at a time focus!
It needs to be awareness of our triggers.  It needs to be the fact that we don't want a hangover.  It needs to be the fact that we don't want to be dependent on the drink!

Something eventually clicks.

Life is daily; today is all we have; and anybody can go one day without drinking.  (taken from Living Sober)


What triggered me today?  

My hyperactive children wanting my attention , my dogs that pissed on my floor, my ex-husband that keeps harassing me...????    These are my triggers.  What did I do about them?  I closed my eyes for a power snooze for 20 minutes, then played with kids and ordered pizza, and breathed.  ...just breathed....


Friday Night ...Me Want That One Drink!

Dang it!  Just when I thought I had it licked....I get this huge urge to have a nice cold beer.  It's Friday, I'm tired, stressed, kids are loud, had a busy hectic week, ex is an asshole, dogs have shit and pissed in my house.

So I'm eating a king size chocolate bar and feel more pissed off because I've lost 16 pounds since July and chocolate surely won't help on the scale.

I want to take a nap, but my kids want my attention.  So I'm blogging just because I'm avoiding the need to hide in my room and relieve my stress with a nice cold one.

Yesterday I wrote really good reasons why I should avoid the first drink and I'm keeping all the shit in my head right now.  Today I need to remember why that first drink will hurt me ...not help me....

October 5th today ...a day of faith.   I continue to grow in my faith and ask God for strength this weekend.  I'll need it a lot!  Weekends are tough for me....and I know that it will be tough for some of you that have decided to "not pick up that one drink...."



Thursday 4 October 2012

That First Drink ...now I get it!

Instead of trying to figure out how many we could handle -4?- 6?- a dozen?-- we remember , "just don't pick up that first drink". (taken from Living Sober)

If we do not take the first drink, we will never get drunk and have the negative effects of alcohol in our lives.  The experience we have when drinking one or two socially and being "okay" leads us to believe we are safe to drink socially.  This experience leads us to believe we could drink safely....then something happens...
We drink more because we think we are safe and "okay"..... Which leads us to a life right back where we started.  One that many of us don't really want anymore!

It amazes me how my mind thinks right now at this moment. In all my years of struggling with booze, and quit, how many times have I heard "Stay away from that first drink"?  Why didn't I listen?  I even spent 21 days in rehab five or six years ago , away from my children, learning not to take the first drink.   I wasn't ready is all I could answer.  I wasn't listening. I wasn't understanding it!

I want to reach out to those people that are just starting out....just looking to find ways to stay sober.....

Feel ready to quit?  Fed up?  Tired?   It is tough to give up things we love, but it is so worth it!  The healthy feeling and freedom we get from sobriety is amazing!  Staying away from that first drink is probably the toughest thing we have to do!  But, it is soooooo worth doing it!  In the morning, when everyone else had the drink, we wake up healthy and refreshed and happy with our decisions.   We wake up feeling Alive!

Wednesday 3 October 2012

Cravings are Really Not There Lately

Not sure what to write about because I'm feeling great!  I don't crave booze anymore like I use to on a daily basis.  Thank God!  That was tough.   I don't want to say that today is Day 3 because I was there once before.  I don't want to lose all the sober, hard working days that I've accomplished since July 16th!  I don't really feel like I'm starting over either because I've come such a long way, not only in my body but my mind has changed.  I think differently and feel different.

I think that I'm not craving alcohol as much anymore because I have developed some new routines when coming home from work.  That was my worst time.  I used to think about booze from 1PM on and looked forward to a nice cold beer to unwind from my hectic days.  Now, I come home and probably do the same things I did when I was drinking but it feels different now.  I feel much more organized and feel like my home is more organized and neat.  I hate clutter so feel like I'm able to keep up with the housework.  I love that I'm not always exhausted by 6PM.  I have energy to do kids' homework, baths, walks, sell chocolate bars with kids for fundraising, hockey, basketball, gymnastics....and blog!  lol

I registered for a half-marathon next weekend.  Yikes!  I think I'm ready.

I'm going to a family wedding this Thanksgiving weekend. Double Yikes!  Dancing and booze all around me.  I know that I'll be okay.  I won't drink because I don't want to.  I want to dance my face off though.  I'm actually looking forward to being at a dance without alcohol in hand.

God Bless!

Tuesday 2 October 2012

Living Sober

So I picked up this book today.  It's an old one.  It's been stuffed in my closet for a couple of years and honestly, I only read a couple of pages.
It is a book that contains 31 tips on how some A.A. members stayed sober.







The first page has the following title.  "Why "not drinking""?

What I read was perfect timing for me because of my feelings of being able to drink socially.  I want to share that with you.

"Alcohol, aside from its addictive qualities, also has a psychological effect that modifies thinking and reasoning.  One drink can change the thinking of an alcoholic so that he feels he can tolerate another, and then another, and another....
The alcoholic can learn to completely control his disease, but the affliction (a cause of pain, suffering or distress) cannot be cured so that he can return to alcohol without adverse (contrary to one's  interest or welfare) consequences."

Now, I can sit here and say I knew that already because I do....but then my alcoholic mind says otherwise.   My alcoholic mind is not one like a non-alcoholic mind.   I have to remember that the words " One drink can...." are powerful.  I have to remember that on a daily basis.

The bottom line ....as it says in the book is that "Anyone can get sober.  We have all done it lots of times.  The trick is to stay and to live sober."


One drink can....

-get me drunk
-cause me to act like an idiot
-make me sick, literally
-make me stumble across the house
-numb my body and mind
-cause me to fall and get hurt
-cause me embarrassment
-make me loud and annoying
-can cause chaos in my life
-cause hurt in my children's eyes if they see me drunk
-cost money
-give me a hangover
-make me feel bad or angry
-make me regret that I had one to start with



God Bless!

Monday 1 October 2012

October- Faith Month. Day 1 again?

October is Faith month at our school. Students are encouraged to discover and learn more about our catholic faith. We teach them to believ that God is with us every step of the way. We teach them to believe that Jesus is the way of life and we ask ourselves the simple question "What would Jesus do?" when we are faced with daily challenges.

I sometimes feel like I've lost touch with my faith.  I believe in God and all that stuff and I think that everything happens for a reason. But I don't feel like I'm actively seeking some sense of spirituality on a daily basis. I want to. I want to be spiritual, balanced and calm.

So, I'm devoting this month to a new beginning. I'm going to devote this month to my God. I'm going to devote this month to my sobriety and to my health. I'm going to devote this month to my children. I will devote this month to my blog and post every single day about my new discoveries about me, my faith and my sober life!

I will call this Day 1 (again) even though I haven't had a sip of booze in a while. I need a fresh starting point and today, October 1st is it!

I feel empowered to discover more about my faith, stay sober and be the best mom I can be to my children (who are going through their own shit right now)
God blessed me with many gifts in my life. It's time to give back, live Fully Alive, and be the best person that I can be.....this will only be possible by staying sober.

When I'm not sober, I lose that sense of self and self-worth I so deserve to have.
 God bless!