New Site.... Trying to get sober again!

Hi friends.
I am still finding myself spiraling into an alcoholic world.  I am unhealthy.  I don't sleep well. 
I have created a new blog in hopes of finding sobriety again.  The longest I quit was 368 days and I want that freedom again.  That was 4 years ago!
I am looking for support from any sober blogger friends.  My new site is www.myunrulyaddiction.com

New Blog

Hello to my followers.
I've created a third blog, symbolizing my third attempt at getting sober.   You can find it at the following link http://sober4mommy.blogspot.ca/
I'm gonna need all the help and support I can get.  Many have you have touched my heart in the past and helped me find my way to recovery.  I want it back...the peace and serenity....the awareness and love....

New Blog

Please visit my new blog if you are interested in how I've been doing lately....  I've had my ups and downs but I'm sober today....

http://mommyjourneytake2.blogspot.ca

I've lost focused

I am in the process of creating a new blog for reasons my blogging world friends will hopefully understand. Send me a link if you're interested Thank you for your support Jen

Are you focused?

Sometimes I feel so focused on my life and where I want to take it, that I could blow up with excitement!  Then I just lose track of that, and feel like I got hit by a Mac Truck!

Today, I'm focused.  I've been focused for a while.  My life has been extremely busy being a single mom, working full time and trying to make ends meet.   So, I haven't had much time for blogging.  I truly apologize to my blogging friends for this.

Things have been great!  I'm really focused on my health.  I could finally say that I don't focus my attention on booze as much as I use to in the past, but it's still there in the back of my head....always wondering if I can have a drink or two socially....sometimes thinking, it would be nice to get drunk today and forget about all the bullshit.  But, it's not very often.  I find myself so focused on my health and body that I would say I honestly don't want to drink.  I don't want to put that shit in my body anymore.  I want to feel healthy when I go to bed and wake up the same way.

I finally achieved my goal weight, losing 22 pounds since July 16th, when I started this journey!  I know it has a lot to do with me not drinking.  Booze kept me bloated and yucky and I don't want it anymore.

So, I try to stay focused on that.   It's tough.  We are surrounded by alcohol.  I'm actually sitting here at a hotel, for a hockey tournament for my son, and we all know what comes with that!  Parents in one room drinking, kids in the other.  Well, I stayed with my kids last night.  We watched a movie and had a good night sleep.   I have mixed feelings about this. Do people think I'm a snob?   Probably!  Do I care what they think?   Of course I do.   I'm a cool, fun chick and want them to know that.  But, they'll have to find out some other way, than with booze.   And if they don't, I have lots of friends.  This is one hockey season...they'll be gone next year.

I hope all is well in the blogging world.

Staying focused!   If you want to be healthy, get rid of the booze!  It's a tough tough decision, but you will reap the benefits sooner than you think!

I'm ok

Hi everyone. Had lots of ups and downs since my marathon...winter blues are hitting me hard and I didn't run for a week so I got very depressed.   I'm back on track. I've been sooooo friggen busy though. Almost lost focus a couple of times. It's so easy to lose focus. I haven't though. A few times I thought of the drink, something always came up and I take this as huge signs and messages to get back on track, run and stay focused on my sobriety!  It's way too important to me.  I hate that I struggle everyday sometimes. I'm tired of thinking of drinking.

Keep focused Jen....youve come a long way.

God bless

Happy Friday!

Cravings still exist...

I met my sisters for dinner after a very long stressful day. I didn't want to go because I was tired and bitchy. I just wanted to crawl into my hole and be left alone. We don't get together too often because of our separate busy lives so I dragged my arse out.

 All the way there, I thought "Gosh, a nice cold Ceasar would be perfect right now....or even a nice glass of red wine".  I just wanted to unwind and numb my mind for 30 friggen minutes.   I even thought of going into the restaurant a little early so I could down a drink before the sisters got there. 

Why is it that I craved it today?

 Is it because since July 16th, when I officially stopped (with a couple of slip ups) I was focused on training for a marathon and now that its done, I'm done thinking of sobriety too? Is it because I feel like I deserve a damn break from the pressures of life and motherhood and exes and careers? It's the little demons playing in my head, saying heck....you deserve it Jen...just one to relax your mind.

I get that shit! It just sucks! It sucks!

I didn't have a drink tonight and I still feel like I deserve a break. I did have a great evening with my sisters and a few good laughs. 

 I need to refocus and direct my thoughts to where I have been, what I've been through to get where I am today, and where I want to go in my future. 

 Goodnight Jen and all my blogging buds! 
God Bless!

People who get on your Nerves

Isn't it a perfect time for me to read Chapter 5 in Living Sober.

We all deal with people who get our nerves and sometimes we think "Damn it, I need a drink so I can stop thinking of that anus or biatch".
We sometimes probably thought at one time or another that our drinking problem was someone else's fault!  I actually blamed my ex-husband for years!  I thought that he brought on so much stress in my life that I needed the drink to unwind so that I didn't punch him in the face on a daily basis.  The drink kept me grounded and calm...so I thought.
Many times, we drank just because everyone else was drinking and we wanted to "fit" in.
Many times, we gave reasons for our drinking so that people understood why we drank so much and shouldn't criticize us.  There were many days I said aloud "If you lived with my ex, you'd drink too or if you had to put up with my students, you'd drink too."  "

Live and Let Live

It is this line that allows us to realize that we cannot control other people.  We cannot control what other people do or say or how they act.  We can, however, control OUR reactions and actions when we encounter such individuals that just get on our nerves.

Do we really want to allow some annoying anus or biatch to take part of our sobriety away that we want so badly?  They are not worth it!  We've come too far!

I will not pick up a drink because my ex texts me 15 times a day with nasty messages!  I will not pick p a drink because my neighbour annoys me so much.  I will not pick p a drink because my son drives me nuts and leaves his dirty underwear on the floor every damn day!

Life is full of people.  We must find people in our lives that are positive and able to bring out the best in us!  The sober us!


I ran my half marathon this weekend. It was the most amazing experience of my life!  Out of 10 000 people, I placed 3 500th. I finished in 2:00 on the dot!   I will continue to run and participate in races. It keeps me focused on my health.   If you think...wow...I could never do that....you are wrong!  If I can do it, you can!  Trust me!   You have it in YOU (mind, body, spirit)  to do anything you want to do for yourself!  


God Bless!

Acceptance

My last post talked about the "allergies" our bodies have to certain things.    For a long time, I struggled with my drinking. I knew it made me sick quite often and I knew it made me do things I wouldn't normally do.  I also felt like I lived in a "fog" for most of my adult life, not really living it entirely and Fully Alive.  It was like there was a hazy cloud around me, preventing me to see the beauty and gifts in my life.  For the most part, I thought this was a normal way of living.

Being sober and accepting the fact that booze makes me sick...I see life in a whole different way.  I've come to accept that my body cannot take booze like it use to or like others can.  I've discovered so much about how and a normal life should be lived.  I am blessed to have discovered this now instead of later or when it would have been too late.  I still have many beautiful years ahead of me!

"Who has time to feel deprived or self-pitying when you find there are so many delights connected with living happily unafraid  of your illness?". Living Sober

When I first decided to get my shit together and quit drinking, I did feel sorry for myself and often thought "Do I really want to do this for the rest of my life". I didn't want to accept that I had a disease or that I couldn't control myself when I drank.   There's still a little part of me that thinks I can....that will probably always be there.  But the bigger part of me that has accepted my fate as a person who gets sick with booze, has grown big time and knows which path she want my life to go through....the healthy one.

Anyone who wants it is welcome to a "free trial period" of this new concept of self.  Afterward, anyone who wants the old days again is perfectly free to start them all over.  It is your right to take back your misery if you want it. (Sober Living)

This statement is amazing!   The new self!  It's worth living for!


I'm heading out to the big city of Toronto Canada for the weekend. I won't have much time to blog because I'm preparing for my half-marathon. I won't have time to think about booze either.
I'll be living and living life to the fullest!

God Bless!

Weddings

Weddings....

Two beautiful people who love each other, exchange vows and commit to spending the rest of their Iives together.  It takes 15 minutes then  you're hitched for the rest of your life...

I still believe in marriage and commitment to that one person that will be my bestfriend forever.  Although, I'm going through the divorce stage in my life right now,  I do know and truly believe in love and fairy tale romances. I believe that somewhere, out there, is my other half.  The other half of me that when we are together become one.  It will happen.

Weddings....

A night of celebrations, toasts, dancing, and drinking...for most of us anyway.   I watched most people drink, socially, not to get drunk like I probably would have if I was drinking. May people just sipped and danced and felt good, but not drunk. I had a weak moment where I could have snuck some drinks from my little sister's glass but didn't. I had an awkward moment  when everyone stood up to toast the bride and groom with their wine glasses. I had an empty water bottle and hoped no one noticed.   I danced and laughed and had fun...sober. I took my son and niece back to the hotel early, which was probably in my best interest 

I woke up the next day feeling super great ,but tired ( the pillows sucked in my room so I didn't sleep well).   I was up early, brought kids some breakfast and was ready to run.  Saw my little sister and she looked at me, with her puffy eyes and said..."I wish I felt like you right now".  And THAT made it all worth it for me!  I got to run my 18 k in preparation for my big race weekend, coming up. I'm raising money for cancer.  

I have been eating more than I want to...especially deserts but I know that will pass too. 

Chapter 4 in my book "Living Sober" talks about how a person with a food allergy will not consume the food he or she is allergic to.   

For example, I teach a child who has a severe allergy to peanuts, thus our schools peanut-free!  The whole school population cannot bring any type of food that may contain peanuts to school.  Makes sense, doesn't it?  If my child was in those shoes, I'd do anything I can to protect him or her from having an anaphylactic reaction to peanuts!    Our job is to protect our children from anything that would harm them.  So, who is in charge of me?  I am!  I must remember that consuming alcohol makes me sick!  I can't have it around me...I don't want it in my home. The last two times I drank, I puked my guts out!  it literally makes me sick. I can't get a shot of Epipen and it will go away. 

We must learn to live with the bodies we have.   I ask myself quite often, how do other people do it?  And the answer is ...because they can.  They are not allergic to alcohol like I am

Alcoholism is incurable....just like some other illnesses.  It cannot be "cured" in this sense:  we cannot change our body chemistry and go back to be the normal, moderate social drinkers lots of us seemed to be in our youth. (from Living Sober)

Checking In

Thanks Paul!


I had a great "sober"weekend.  I did had some tough moments at the wedding but they passed. I got to run an 18 k which really helped. My half marathon is this weekend so I was focused on staying healthy!

I feel great!  No regrets!  No hangovers!

Breathe.....

(2nd post today) How many times have we woken up the next day, and thought "Never again!  I can't drink anymore!  I quit!  I feel like shit!  I'm going on the wagon!"  Many people, including non-alcoholics say this.  Many of them can really live by the saying "I'm on the wagon" and feel good about that.
Many of us alcoholics can stay on the wagon until the horses bring us to another red barn.  The red barn contains our friends that are waiting for us with the drink and they are ready to party with them.  The horse stops, we get off the wagon and fall right back to where we were in the beginning.  We just feel new guilt and new remorse and the cycle thus continues.

Although we realize that alcoholism is a permanent, irreversible condition, our experience has taught us to make no long-term promises about staying sober.  (taken from Living Sober)

This is so true.  I, like many of us, often ask ourselves "Do I really want to quit for the rest of my life?" This is the question we are so often faced with and we all know that the answer "No way"

But, we keep finding ourselves in the same damn situation.  One of defeat and despair because we decided to pick up that one drink.

How does one stay sober for a year? or twenty years?  If he or she can do it, we know it is possible!  Is is will-power?  Is it determination?  Is it the realization that we are allergic to booze and cannot have it in our lives because we don't want to be sick?

It needs to be a daily focus!  An hourly focus! A minute at a time focus!
It needs to be awareness of our triggers.  It needs to be the fact that we don't want a hangover.  It needs to be the fact that we don't want to be dependent on the drink!

Something eventually clicks.

Life is daily; today is all we have; and anybody can go one day without drinking.  (taken from Living Sober)

What triggered me today?  

My hyperactive children wanting my attention , my dogs that pissed on my floor, my ex-husband that keeps harassing me...????    These are my triggers.  What did I do about them?  I closed my eyes for a power snooze for 20 minutes, then played with kids and ordered pizza, and breathed.  ...just breathed....

Friday Night ...Me Want That One Drink!

Dang it!  Just when I thought I had it licked....I get this huge urge to have a nice cold beer.  It's Friday, I'm tired, stressed, kids are loud, had a busy hectic week, ex is an asshole, dogs have shit and pissed in my house.

So I'm eating a king size chocolate bar and feel more pissed off because I've lost 16 pounds since July and chocolate surely won't help on the scale.

I want to take a nap, but my kids want my attention.  So I'm blogging just because I'm avoiding the need to hide in my room and relieve my stress with a nice cold one.

Yesterday I wrote really good reasons why I should avoid the first drink and I'm keeping all the shit in my head right now.  Today I need to remember why that first drink will hurt me ...not help me....

October 5th today ...a day of faith.   I continue to grow in my faith and ask God for strength this weekend.  I'll need it a lot!  Weekends are tough for me....and I know that it will be tough for some of you that have decided to "not pick up that one drink...."

That First Drink ...now I get it!

Instead of trying to figure out how many we could handle -4?- 6?- a dozen?-- we remember , "just don't pick up that first drink". (taken from Living Sober)

If we do not take the first drink, we will never get drunk and have the negative effects of alcohol in our lives.  The experience we have when drinking one or two socially and being "okay" leads us to believe we are safe to drink socially.  This experience leads us to believe we could drink safely....then something happens...
We drink more because we think we are safe and "okay"..... Which leads us to a life right back where we started.  One that many of us don't really want anymore!

It amazes me how my mind thinks right now at this moment. In all my years of struggling with booze, and quit, how many times have I heard "Stay away from that first drink"?  Why didn't I listen?  I even spent 21 days in rehab five or six years ago , away from my children, learning not to take the first drink.   I wasn't ready is all I could answer.  I wasn't listening. I wasn't understanding it!

I want to reach out to those people that are just starting out....just looking to find ways to stay sober.....

Feel ready to quit?  Fed up?  Tired?   It is tough to give up things we love, but it is so worth it!  The healthy feeling and freedom we get from sobriety is amazing!  Staying away from that first drink is probably the toughest thing we have to do!  But, it is soooooo worth doing it!  In the morning, when everyone else had the drink, we wake up healthy and refreshed and happy with our decisions.   We wake up feeling Alive!

Cravings are Really Not There Lately

Not sure what to write about because I'm feeling great!  I don't crave booze anymore like I use to on a daily basis.  Thank God!  That was tough.   I don't want to say that today is Day 3 because I was there once before.  I don't want to lose all the sober, hard working days that I've accomplished since July 16th!  I don't really feel like I'm starting over either because I've come such a long way, not only in my body but my mind has changed.  I think differently and feel different.

I think that I'm not craving alcohol as much anymore because I have developed some new routines when coming home from work.  That was my worst time.  I used to think about booze from 1PM on and looked forward to a nice cold beer to unwind from my hectic days.  Now, I come home and probably do the same things I did when I was drinking but it feels different now.  I feel much more organized and feel like my home is more organized and neat.  I hate clutter so feel like I'm able to keep up with the housework.  I love that I'm not always exhausted by 6PM.  I have energy to do kids' homework, baths, walks, sell chocolate bars with kids for fundraising, hockey, basketball, gymnastics....and blog!  lol

I registered for a half-marathon next weekend.  Yikes!  I think I'm ready.

I'm going to a family wedding this Thanksgiving weekend. Double Yikes!  Dancing and booze all around me.  I know that I'll be okay.  I won't drink because I don't want to.  I want to dance my face off though.  I'm actually looking forward to being at a dance without alcohol in hand.

God Bless!

Living Sober

So I picked up this book today.  It's an old one.  It's been stuffed in my closet for a couple of years and honestly, I only read a couple of pages.
It is a book that contains 31 tips on how some A.A. members stayed sober.







The first page has the following title.  "Why "not drinking""?

What I read was perfect timing for me because of my feelings of being able to drink socially.  I want to share that with you.

"Alcohol, aside from its addictive qualities, also has a psychological effect that modifies thinking and reasoning.  One drink can change the thinking of an alcoholic so that he feels he can tolerate another, and then another, and another....
The alcoholic can learn to completely control his disease, but the affliction (a cause of pain, suffering or distress) cannot be cured so that he can return to alcohol without adverse (contrary to one's  interest or welfare) consequences."

Now, I can sit here and say I knew that already because I do....but then my alcoholic mind says otherwise.   My alcoholic mind is not one like a non-alcoholic mind.   I have to remember that the words " One drink can...." are powerful.  I have to remember that on a daily basis.

The bottom line ....as it says in the book is that "Anyone can get sober.  We have all done it lots of times.  The trick is to stay and to live sober."


One drink can....

-get me drunk
-cause me to act like an idiot
-make me sick, literally
-make me stumble across the house
-numb my body and mind
-cause me to fall and get hurt
-cause me embarrassment
-make me loud and annoying
-can cause chaos in my life
-cause hurt in my children's eyes if they see me drunk
-cost money
-give me a hangover
-make me feel bad or angry
-make me regret that I had one to start with



God Bless!

October- Faith Month. Day 1 again?

October is Faith month at our school. Students are encouraged to discover and learn more about our catholic faith. We teach them to believ that God is with us every step of the way. We teach them to believe that Jesus is the way of life and we ask ourselves the simple question "What would Jesus do?" when we are faced with daily challenges.

I sometimes feel like I've lost touch with my faith.  I believe in God and all that stuff and I think that everything happens for a reason. But I don't feel like I'm actively seeking some sense of spirituality on a daily basis. I want to. I want to be spiritual, balanced and calm.

So, I'm devoting this month to a new beginning. I'm going to devote this month to my God. I'm going to devote this month to my sobriety and to my health. I'm going to devote this month to my children. I will devote this month to my blog and post every single day about my new discoveries about me, my faith and my sober life!

I will call this Day 1 (again) even though I haven't had a sip of booze in a while. I need a fresh starting point and today, October 1st is it!

I feel empowered to discover more about my faith, stay sober and be the best mom I can be to my children (who are going through their own shit right now)
God blessed me with many gifts in my life. It's time to give back, live Fully Alive, and be the best person that I can be.....this will only be possible by staying sober.

When I'm not sober, I lose that sense of self and self-worth I so deserve to have.
 God bless!

Mistakes

I've  made many mistakes in my life. Some hurt me, some hurt others and some of them were learning experiences.   Some of them, I regret.

I try to take life one day at a time.  I try to eliminate most stressors in my life so that I can just have a simple, calm life. 

But, there is always something or someone that interferes with this balanced calm life that I want so desperately.  Booze and Ex-Husbands!

First, I'd like to say that I have missed my blogging buddies. I know you are there for support and it helps me stay sober (most days). I did have 3 run-ins with alcohol since my last post. I will talk about these today because I'm trying to learn from those mistakes I've made and not regret them, although its tough! 

Life's been busy that's for sure. I'm trying to keep it balanced and focused on my running. I just finished a 16 km run and am hoping to go to Toronto for a half marathon in a couple of weeks. 

I had a few drinks with some co-workers upon my return to work. It was nice to hang out, laugh and have a few drinks, socially. They stayed for a couple hours, then they were gone. It was done. . Had dinner and felt great wasn't drunk or anything like that. Just felt good to unwind!    

Now, this night made my mind crazy. I thought  "hey, I can surely drink socially now. I know my limits. I just proved it to myself.". So, this is where I made my choice to my drink socially, no matter what. 

End of season at camp....got drunk with my good friend.  Had a blast until I puked in the garbage in front of my daughter at 1 AM in the morning. Yuck!  What happened to "I can handle and control the booze...so that I don't over do it.   Daughter was absolutely devastated. I felt like shit that night and passed out in her bed.  Felt like shit the next day too. 

Weekend after that one..thought I'd learned from my mistakes. I'll just have a couple. It was our last night at camp for the winter so it was a celebration slash sadness.  I don't like winter.  I love camp.  I made a fire and cracked open an ice cold beer. Ahhhhh!  Yes, it was relaxing, unwinding and....all the other shit that goes through our minds.   Had another within 10 minutes and I was off to my neighbours to invite them to my fire.  They came.  We opened a big bottle of red wine and I was, again sloshed by dinner time. I had no ability to make my kids food because I was getting sick in the bathroom...trying desperately to hide from my kids. My friend stayed to cook the burgers and I was able to eat with the kids after i got sick .  I had a snooze after dinner while the kids watched a movie and was okay for the rest of the night.  Wondered what the eff happened again.   Next day, kids said "Mom, you were drunk!  Stop drinking beer!  "

Oh boy, I knew I was in for a lot of grief, especially because they were going to be going to their daddy's and telling him all about our weekend.

So, where do I stand now!  I am embarrassed. I don't crave booze and really hate it.  I'm afraid that I disappointed some of you. I know I disappointed me and my kids.   Am I getting grief?  Oh yes....total harassment. 

Can I drink socially?   Hell no!   Do I want to?  Part of me still believes I can I guess?  I'll probably always believe I can.  I want to be able to just drink socially and have a couple without barfing.  But the other part, which learned from my last two drinking binges knows damn well that I can't. 

I know I don't like feeling like shit. I've still been focussing on my health and running.   I like feeling great so why the hell would I put myself in a situation where I want to drink?

I'm going through some tough times with the ex-hubby.   He's been harassing me, not only because I drank last week but because he blames only me for damaging this family  he told my kids that he wanted mommy back and that its all my fault that we are not a family   He told my 11 year old daughter that I went to rehab and that I am an alcoholic!  He is saying things to my children that they shouldn't be hearing at their ages.  ...and there's nothing I can do but stay sober, calm and balanced.  I will get counseling for them and for myself regarding this.  

I promised my children that I wouldn't drink anymore because I know that my actions have hurt them and now that their daddy is putting shit in their heads about me, it's even worse. 

So, all in all,  I quit drinking July 16 th and had 5 mishaps with alcohol. I consider this not too bad compared to my past experiences with the shit.  

I am not perfect but damn I'm trying hard here.   I really really don't want alcohol in my life anymore......ever again!   

Did I learn from my mistakes?  Yes!  I learned a heck of a lot!

I missed you guys!   

Any advice on where I go from here? 

Still running on sober!

Hello my blogging world. Ive missed you!  I'm sober and doing okay!  Had some struggles but pulled through. I've been so busy with work and kids and sports.

Gotta run!

Xo

Day 50 and blind date...

Thank you Cloe!  It was awesome to read that be been sober for 50 days out of the last 52!  I'm extremely proud of myself and I feel super dee duper!

I went out on a blind date, set up by a great friend.   It was a little awkward because I can tell that he wanted to order booze. I waited to see what he was going to order but he did the same. I just said that I wasn't drinking tonight and he could go ahead and have one.  He ordered a glass of water after I did like a real gentleman.  We spoke a lot. Something that set me off, that probably shouldn't have was the fact that he said he loves wine and makes his own, by the case. I love wine!  So, he'd be perfect for me right. Then when I asked if he liked to dance, he said only if he's drunk.  Typical answer from a man I suppose. I asked him another question and he said same reply.

The night left me with many questions of course.  I'm sure many of you are thinking what I'm thinking.
Who am I to make judgement on him because he likes booze?  Most people to like booze including myself. Limiting myself to dating men who don't like booze may keep me lonely for a very long time.

Part of me felt afraid and I even said that we'd have to open a bottle of red wine next time we met. But, I really didn't want to say that and heck, I know I didn't mean it!

Part of me wants to say I simply don't drink and prefer to have a non-boozing relationship with someone!  Part of me thinks I'll be okay if I have a couple here and there with him.

Friggen confusing this life of mine.  Any advice?