Mistakes

I've  made many mistakes in my life. Some hurt me, some hurt others and some of them were learning experiences.   Some of them, I regret.

I try to take life one day at a time.  I try to eliminate most stressors in my life so that I can just have a simple, calm life. 

But, there is always something or someone that interferes with this balanced calm life that I want so desperately.  Booze and Ex-Husbands!

First, I'd like to say that I have missed my blogging buddies. I know you are there for support and it helps me stay sober (most days). I did have 3 run-ins with alcohol since my last post. I will talk about these today because I'm trying to learn from those mistakes I've made and not regret them, although its tough! 

Life's been busy that's for sure. I'm trying to keep it balanced and focused on my running. I just finished a 16 km run and am hoping to go to Toronto for a half marathon in a couple of weeks. 

I had a few drinks with some co-workers upon my return to work. It was nice to hang out, laugh and have a few drinks, socially. They stayed for a couple hours, then they were gone. It was done. . Had dinner and felt great wasn't drunk or anything like that. Just felt good to unwind!    

Now, this night made my mind crazy. I thought  "hey, I can surely drink socially now. I know my limits. I just proved it to myself.". So, this is where I made my choice to my drink socially, no matter what. 

End of season at camp....got drunk with my good friend.  Had a blast until I puked in the garbage in front of my daughter at 1 AM in the morning. Yuck!  What happened to "I can handle and control the booze...so that I don't over do it.   Daughter was absolutely devastated. I felt like shit that night and passed out in her bed.  Felt like shit the next day too. 

Weekend after that one..thought I'd learned from my mistakes. I'll just have a couple. It was our last night at camp for the winter so it was a celebration slash sadness.  I don't like winter.  I love camp.  I made a fire and cracked open an ice cold beer. Ahhhhh!  Yes, it was relaxing, unwinding and....all the other shit that goes through our minds.   Had another within 10 minutes and I was off to my neighbours to invite them to my fire.  They came.  We opened a big bottle of red wine and I was, again sloshed by dinner time. I had no ability to make my kids food because I was getting sick in the bathroom...trying desperately to hide from my kids. My friend stayed to cook the burgers and I was able to eat with the kids after i got sick .  I had a snooze after dinner while the kids watched a movie and was okay for the rest of the night.  Wondered what the eff happened again.   Next day, kids said "Mom, you were drunk!  Stop drinking beer!  "

Oh boy, I knew I was in for a lot of grief, especially because they were going to be going to their daddy's and telling him all about our weekend.

So, where do I stand now!  I am embarrassed. I don't crave booze and really hate it.  I'm afraid that I disappointed some of you. I know I disappointed me and my kids.   Am I getting grief?  Oh yes....total harassment. 

Can I drink socially?   Hell no!   Do I want to?  Part of me still believes I can I guess?  I'll probably always believe I can.  I want to be able to just drink socially and have a couple without barfing.  But the other part, which learned from my last two drinking binges knows damn well that I can't. 

I know I don't like feeling like shit. I've still been focussing on my health and running.   I like feeling great so why the hell would I put myself in a situation where I want to drink?

I'm going through some tough times with the ex-hubby.   He's been harassing me, not only because I drank last week but because he blames only me for damaging this family  he told my kids that he wanted mommy back and that its all my fault that we are not a family   He told my 11 year old daughter that I went to rehab and that I am an alcoholic!  He is saying things to my children that they shouldn't be hearing at their ages.  ...and there's nothing I can do but stay sober, calm and balanced.  I will get counseling for them and for myself regarding this.  

I promised my children that I wouldn't drink anymore because I know that my actions have hurt them and now that their daddy is putting shit in their heads about me, it's even worse. 

So, all in all,  I quit drinking July 16 th and had 5 mishaps with alcohol. I consider this not too bad compared to my past experiences with the shit.  

I am not perfect but damn I'm trying hard here.   I really really don't want alcohol in my life anymore......ever again!   

Did I learn from my mistakes?  Yes!  I learned a heck of a lot!

I missed you guys!   

Any advice on where I go from here? 

Still running on sober!

Hello my blogging world. Ive missed you!  I'm sober and doing okay!  Had some struggles but pulled through. I've been so busy with work and kids and sports.

Gotta run!

Xo

Day 50 and blind date...

Thank you Cloe!  It was awesome to read that be been sober for 50 days out of the last 52!  I'm extremely proud of myself and I feel super dee duper!

I went out on a blind date, set up by a great friend.   It was a little awkward because I can tell that he wanted to order booze. I waited to see what he was going to order but he did the same. I just said that I wasn't drinking tonight and he could go ahead and have one.  He ordered a glass of water after I did like a real gentleman.  We spoke a lot. Something that set me off, that probably shouldn't have was the fact that he said he loves wine and makes his own, by the case. I love wine!  So, he'd be perfect for me right. Then when I asked if he liked to dance, he said only if he's drunk.  Typical answer from a man I suppose. I asked him another question and he said same reply.

The night left me with many questions of course.  I'm sure many of you are thinking what I'm thinking.
Who am I to make judgement on him because he likes booze?  Most people to like booze including myself. Limiting myself to dating men who don't like booze may keep me lonely for a very long time.

Part of me felt afraid and I even said that we'd have to open a bottle of red wine next time we met. But, I really didn't want to say that and heck, I know I didn't mean it!

Part of me wants to say I simply don't drink and prefer to have a non-boozing relationship with someone!  Part of me thinks I'll be okay if I have a couple here and there with him.

Friggen confusing this life of mine.  Any advice?

Sober

I'm just checking in to let my blogging friends know that I'm surviving my first week back to work, SOBER!  
I love being sober.  I seem to accomplish so much more.

I ran 13.4 KM tonight and I feel blessed to have the ability to run.  It's truly a gift and I'm so grateful that I have found the strength to pursue my goals to run a full marathon one day.  I know that with booze in my life, this would not be possible.  Booze made me tired and shitty and agitated.  Can't focus on my health with booze in my life so now it's gone.

I will register for a half marathon that will take place October 14th.  I feel like I will be ready and with this focus in my life, I'm sure to beat my alcohol cravings.

I find that focusing on something positive is helpful.   Setting goals without alcohol to distract you is helpful.

I'm not sure how many days it's been.  Haven't had time to calculate.  If anyone is bored you can do it for me and let me know k!  My quit date is July 16th.  I had two "cheat" days that must be deducted!  Thanks

My goal is to stay sober till July 16th, 2013!   One year!
Then, I'll go from there and decide my next steps!

Checking In

I made it through the night thanks to a couple of things. First, Colleen and our promise to stay sober for 30 days.  Next, my sister, who I know will check my blog to see how I made out.  Next, my son who wanted to snuggle last night and watch a movie with me.  Lastly, a book I've been reading called "Finding Ultra" by Rich Roll. This book is a story about an alcoholic who is discovering himself.


Great reading material for us that want to find the strength to follow our dreams!

Just letting you know that it was effin tough last night. There were many drinking campfires going on here and many of my friends wanted me over to drink with them. I see some disappointment in their eyes when I tell them that I really don't want to drink, especially when I do want it so badly.  I felt lonely and isolated and boring again. 

Then again, my neighbour is still in bed, noon here.  I wonder who feels better today?  ME!

Why Do We Have TougH Days?

I'm sitting here trying to convince myself not to drink today. I went to the grocery store and had to really convince myself not to get a little bottle of wine. It was tough.   I want to drink today ...really badly.   How can I have such a tough day today when I felt so great yesterday?  I don't understand!  I thought I was done with these huge cravings and needs to numb myself.

So Ive been really trying to understand my feelings and emotions and reasons why I want to drink.  First of all, it is the last long weekend of the summer. Well, at camp, everyone is pretty much on a binge. They are offering me booze daily and want me to drink with them, let loose and have fun!  I want that too.  I really do.
Also, my non-drinking friend I told you about left today. He lives so far from me and we've grown very close the past month. It's very depressing.  He was my rock around here. Now that he's gone and I may see him once in a while this winter, I feel there is no need to stay sober everyday. Just being honest with myself here. How crazy is that?  I want to stay sober but ...damn the but!

How do I fix the palpitating in my heart?  I know booze isn't the answer and I know that I've come a long long way and I know how great my body feels but damn it, I just need to relax   my mind.

I can't stand this feeling that I want a drink so bad.   I don't know how to shut it down!  I will try my best today.

ME

I don't really have much to blog about today.

 Finally, someone told me it looked like a lost weight. It's finally starting to show. I started running and eating healthy the day I quit drinking (july16). I was almost thinking that I've been working my ass off for nothing! I know that I do feel so good about myself. My eyes aren't as puffy. I'm not as bloated. My legs are getting stronger.

 Sometimes, I think back and ask myself how I managed to stay sober for over a month during the beer drinking summer season. I think making new sober friends here at camp has helped me tremendously. I almost wish I could open up to them and thank them because even though they have no ideas, they've taught me that I don't need to be drunk to enjoy my life. How? Just by drinking water with them and laughing and talking? I wonder if I the outcome would have been different if they were drinkers too.

 Anyhow, I'm not craving beer. I refused a few already tonight from my neighbours and I feel good about it now. I'm not as worried about what people think of me because the fact of the matter is, this is ME! The new and improved ME! I absolutely love ME! Finally, after 41 years, I could say I love ME! Bring on my life and challenges. I feel ready to take on the world!

Facing Challenges!

Well, I have so much to say and I'm not to sure where to begin!

 I have accomplished many items on my To-do list this week including staying sober and running! I was faced with many challenges too! It all begins with Wednesday morning, yesterday actually.

I got up feeling quite anxious! It was the first day back to work, after a beautiful and relaxing summer. I knew I'd meet up with all my colleagues so I felt nervous to see them again. I also knew that two of my "drinking" partners/colleagues invited themselves over to my place for a few drinks after the meeting How can I say no? After all, I haven't seen any of them all summer. They didn't know that I had quit drinking and honestly at this point, I didn't feel like I wanted to have quit drinking.

 I dropped off my kids at my ex's new place before work and my daughter locked my friggen keys in the door. OMG! How do you spell STRESS. I had a little panic attack! First, because I was at my ex's, second, I was supposed to pick up a collegue and third, I knew I was going to be late on the first day back! After a half hour of prying the door and inserting a wire hanger to unlock it, I was off to work! I survived the morning, and felt like I wanted to lie to my buddies and tell them that I had other plans, so that they wouldn't come over. Then, I thought, fuck it! Why not have a few drinks with them? Then I thought, do I really want a hangover on day 2 of work? Then I thought, I've come too far and I feel great. I thought about the leftover booze I have scattered around this house. I also knew that my friends missed me, and just wanted to spend time with me, knowing I just went through separation again.

 Anyhow, they came over with their coolers of booze. I had planned a run right before they got here so I had a great excuse to drink water!

 When they opened their second beer, one of my friends starting talking about how shitty she feels because she drank everyday this summer with her hubby and they were both thinking of quitting or "drinking socially".

 I knew that this was a perfect opportunity to tell my very good friends the truth! I simply said that I had quit July 16th with 2 days of drinking. I didn't tell them I was an alcoholic. I just said I wanted to run and be healthy and told them how great I felt!

She said "What? July? Are you kidding me? How did you do it? Wow! That's amazing! I'm so proud of you!"

Well, I couldn't help but stare at her reaction. She was my drinking buddy! We went to the bar in our PJ pants one day after drinking a few! We stayed at staff parties till the end! Wow, I thought!

 How could it be this easy? If I would have had a Staples Easy Button, I would have pushed it. All day, I spent my energy focusing on booze and lying, and cheating, and worried, and anxious. All day, I could have been focusing on something more positive and better.

 When she left, I thanked her for her support. She said she wanted to cut back too and she was proud of me! Wow! What a great feeling I had! I am pleased that I was strong enough to get passed the stress and cravings I had that day! I am more pleased with myself today because I just got this text from my friend:

Have I told you today how proud of u I am, ur my role model to quit drinking after this long weekend and get fit, thx for that my dear friend

 The biggest message I will take from this is that you never know who and when you will be helping someone.
I also learned to face my challenges head on! No taking the easy way out anymore! My true friends will always be there for me, whether I'm drinking or not.
I also learned that I am fun even without booze!

Many life lessons for me this week!
Going to camp tomorrow to rest my brain. Going to relax and catch up on my blogging friends lives!
Hugs!

Self-care is Priority Today

I spent the last two months at camp, sitting in the sun, relaxing with my kids and friends. I've had the best summer ever. One that I could truly say I remembered and enjoyed.  I've  managed to quit drinking July 16th, only having two slip-ups. I drove home today to face the real stresses of my life and all the things that have to get done.

Jen's To-Do List

Have to shop for kids school supplies/clothes.

Have to get my classroom ready.

Have to reorganize my house because my ex is moving out tomorrow and it looks like a twister went through here.

Have to help take care of my little sister, who asked to live with me because she can't do it alone.  I haven't made that decision yet. 

 Have to help my son pay for college/book

Have to start bringing son to hockey practices and basketball practices

Have to drive my daughter to dance class and singing lessons.

Have to share my kids with their father when they don't want to go there.

Have to close up camp.

Have to train for half-marathon

Have to stay sober.

My To-Do list is too damn long!  I'm tired just thinking of all I have to do this fall and winter. 

All these things that are on my list will have to wait and I will do things one at a time, as much as I can at a time. My first priorities will be to stay sober and run!  I'm going to keep running my heart out because if I don't, I'll go back to feeling like shit about myself and then the voices will start convincing me that I should have a drink to relax my body. I will also continue to blog and comment on blogs because this is what has helped me stay sober. 

I will not forget how far I've come and I will not forget how good my body and mind feels today. 

Tomorrow,I'll do what I can on my list but Taking care of ME will be first. For years I've felt guilty about taking care of me first, whether I was buying myself a pair of shoes, getting a haircut,running, working out, or drinking a glass of wine to relax. But I read in a meditation book yesterday that we need to take care of ourselves first before we are even able to think about our TO-DO lists. We all have them and if we let them overwhelm us, our minds go stir-crazy. So I'm going to do what I can today, tomorrow and the next day.  One person can only do so much in one day.  What gets done, gets done...

The rest will just have to wait. 

What to Tell People...

This is my 2nd post today!

What a beautiful day. The sun beamed on us all day. We spent several hours at the beach. I enjoyed very nice conversation with my sober friend and watched my children laugh and play with their friends.
I am feeling super!  I'm feeling more confident in my abilities to speak with people, including new people without stumbling on my words. I even wore a dress around camp today. (new for me).
One of my friends asked me why I haven't been drinking much and I just said "cause I quit". I simply told her I was tired of feeling like shit and tired of hangovers. I never told her I had a drinking problem and if she figures that out, it honestly doesn't bother me anymore .

From now on, I'm just going to say " I quit! Period"  No reasons needed.  I just don't want it in my life anymore. I feel fan-bloody-tactic!  I'm running over 23 km per week and love the energy in my body.

Now, I know that the last time I felt this great, something or those voices creeped up on me and took me away...out of this world for a night.  I don't want to be out of this world anymore.  I love being alive and fully aware of all my senses.

I even felt my heartbeat in my head when I was resting in the sun!

Something I know I'll have to deal with is going back to work....stress!  Next week I begin in a new classroom with new students.  I'm sure I'll be needing my blogging friends advice quite often.  I looked forward to my nice glass of wine or nice cold beer at 4 o'clock sharp! I always said they created alcohol for teachers!   How do I break that pattern.?

 I feel like I got some of it down pat, such as the desire not to drink anymore.  I will continue to focus on my sobriety thats for sure.  I can only move forward from here!  There's no turning back for me man....my car is going forward. I may have to hit some hills once in awhile and slow down but I'm going to go over them eventually.

Goodnight
:)

I'm all over the place

I feel all over the place right now. My mind is trying to convince me that because it's going to be 30 degrees Celcius, I could use a cold beer. My mind is giving me shit for not joining my partying neighbours last night. My mind is saying I've worked hard. What's one more day of fuck up?

My heart says otherwise.

I woke up this morning feeling shitty. I went for a good run.  Now I'm sitting here with a nasty craving. It will pass.

Here is a picture of my barking dogs.

I read someone's post last night that says she knows she had a problem but CAN'T stop drinking. This was my response:

...and yes you can do it! You are empowered to put in your body what you choose to put in your body! You are empowered to make good or bad choices. You are empowered to live a happy healthy sober life if that's what you really want. 
We are given one body, one mind and one life.... That's it! If we destroy one of these three things, we have nothing left!

I hope to help people once in a while. I won't drink today. I know I'll get past this moment and desire to drink. I know where I'll be at midnight and I know I won't have a hangover in the morning!

Told you I was all over!

Have a great sober day!

What makes me tick

These things make me tick.  They really make my heart pound. Now that I'm sober I'm breathing through these crazy hectic moments.  I have to deal with them and convince my body to calm down. I tell myself, time will pass and these things that are making me tick will pass too, eventually.

1.  My fighting children

2.  When my children are rude and forget their manners

3.  My annoying step-mother-in-law.  She talks excessively and she is very hyper. I can't get a word in edgewise

4.  My ex hubby who is moving out Tuesday

5.  My barking dogs.

6.  My big butt

7.  My son's dirty bathroom. We share the shower and the toilet and clothes on the floor are disgusting. He's 21.

8.  When my son or ex comes home after I'm sleeping and I'm awoken by the door or barking dogs

9.  Students that are lazy and don't care about succeeding

10.  Bills



When I drank, all these things were easy to deal with.  Now I have to live it up sober not because I really have to but because I want to!

Xo

Being Grateful

Today I feel the need to write my post that I wanted to write last month. I've had a couple of crazy, hectic, emotional days that Mrs D. would call "This is sober  living."  I really let myself feel what I felt and kept myself aware of those feelings. The last few days have made me realize that I have so much to be grateful for.  It was great to see my family, including dad who was strong and sober during the funeral. It was tough to say goodbye to Memere. I always made Memere laugh. She would especially love my dirty jokes and my cursing moments. So, I did some of that for her this week. I told her I'd make her proud of me although I know she was.  I guess i want her to be proud of my sobriety too. She always said that I was the first of the grandchildren to be successful in my career and lead the others down the path to success.

1.  I am grateful for my health.  I thank God for giving me two legs to run with, to walk with, to dance with.  I thank God for the ability to use my arms and my mind the way that I do. I thank God for my ability to see my children play, laugh and cry.   I am grateful for the sounds of the birds chirping outside and my son breathing beside me.  We sometimes take the littlest things for granted

like the ability to talk, walk, see or hear. When we see someone suffer with the lack of one or more of these abilities, like I did this week, it makes you really look at your life in a whole new way.

2.  I am so grateful for my three healthy beautiful children.  They are all individuals with such different personalities. They are healthy. They run, dance, feed themselves, laugh, play, see and hear.  They are God's creations.   I feel truly blessed to have been given the opportunity to raise such precious gifts.

3.  I am grateful for my sisters. They are absolutely gorgeous, inside and out!  We have always been supportive of each other and had each others backs!  When one is down, we all are down.  When we are up, we have a blast together.  Thanks sis for being so thoughtful and worried about the beer around me this week!  Your support means a lot to me

4.  I am grateful for my career.  I am blessed to have chosen a career that I am extremely passionate about.  I love teaching. I love going to work everyday and watching the growth my students make on a daily basis.  I love seeing them smile and get excited about their learning. I am a very energetic teacher and it rubs off on them in the classroom. I'm excited to begin a new school year next week.

5.   I am grateful for my beautiful home. A home I purchased on my own.  I'm excited to get some remodeling done in it. It needs many upgrades.  I may use some of the money I'm saving from not buying alcohol toward a home renovation fund!

6. I am grateful for my camp. It's just a tiny little place of Heaven where my children and I spend most of the summer, relaxing, laughing, and playing together and with friends. We spend time on the Beach, at the park or in the camp and enjoy the beauty that surrounds us.

7.   I am grateful for my friends. I have many friends that are extremely supportive and fun to be with. My colleagues at work have become some of my greatest friends. We can laugh and bug each other   Makes the days go by so much faster.  It's nice to be around positive people who care and help each other out.

8.  I am grateful for this blogging world. I look forward to reading new posts on a daily basis.  Keeps me grounded and reminds me that together we are stronger. It reminds me that it's okay to rely on people's help. It is a great life experience. It has helped me stay sober today.

9.  I am grateful that on July 16th of this year I began my true journey to sobriety.  I made new friends through this blog .  I relapsed twice which only helped me realize how amazing sobriety truly is needed and wanted in my life. I am tempted to say I've been sober for   39- 2 days because if I didn't have that first 30 days in, I would have never know any different.  It was a lot of work to stay sober for those 30 days and they won't be forgotten.   I am grateful to be feeling all the feelings I avoided for so many years ...fear, excitement, anger, anxious, scared, sadness... I am aware of these feelings now and realize that it is truly what living is all about.

10.  I am grateful for today!  For being alive...waking up breathing....with my children in my arms...able to run in the morning...eat...sleep...peacefully ...waiting for another day.

I told one of my uncles that I haven't seen in years that he was looking good.  He replied "I'm just living one day at a time" 

That was my sign.

Lots of love

Day 39-2   ....Or Day 6 again

I'm challenging all my blogging friends to write a list of 10 things they are grateful for. It feels great!   Xo 

Tired and Sober

Just touching base today. I'm extremely tired from traveling for the last five days so I'm crawling in for a good night sleep. I am sober and so happy to be sober.
Xxoo

Time Heals All Wounds...if we let it....

Rough 24 hours for me. Gramma passed away yesterday, drove home, kids wanted to sleep with me, was extremely tired last night, son came in at 2 AM, door woke me up, ex-hubby came in at 2:30AM, door woke me up, travelled to bring my sister in a wheelchair to a specialist appointment, trip took 4 extra hours because of traffic, stuck twice, once for 2 hours due to an accident, one for 2 hours due to rush hour.  I'm relaxing in hotel (I would usually have a nice cold beer or 2 or 3 delivered to my room to unwind by now) but I'm eating my favourite "Peanut Butter and Chocolate Crunch Ice Cream"' going to read and post and go to bed sober!

My gramma...she had a tough life. I wish I would have asked her to tell me her stories but I never had the nerve to. I was afraid to ask because I didn't want to open that can of worms. I didn't want to hurt her. I know that she carried many demons with her and she had a lot of trouble letting go of her many troubles from her past and present. I won't get into detail. 

I got to visit her a couple of months ago in the hospital. She was so frail. I held her in my arms and she cried. She cried because she didn't want to be old. She was going blind too  and it bothered her that she had a lot of difficulty reading . She didn't want to die. 

When I think of her, I wonder if she ever tried to heal her wounds, if she even knew that she could have healed some of her pain.

I truly believe that we have choices in life today.  We could live with resentments, pain and anger until we die or we could forgive, love and let go of resentments. Why do we hang on to them?  Why isn't it easy to just forgive and forget and move on?

  Someone like my gramma never knew how to do it.  Did she ever do some soul searching and discover who she truly was and who she wanted to be?  Did she ever know that forgiveness would have taken a load off her heart and body?  Someone like my dad doesn't know how to do it.  He drinks and numbs all his pain and troubles away.  Heck, most of us have probably done the same.  How could he learn that there's a better life in the world for him?  How can he discover his true self...a sober one...when he's drowning in booze?  Can I help him before it's too late?  

If there's one thing I learned about myself is that we can't control the past, we can't control the future, we can only control our actions and reactions in the present time.  We can learn to forgive and we can learn that sometimes people only do what they were taught. Some people don't know that they truly can affect us in negative ways. So, we learn to accept people in our lives that will be good for us, positive, happy, sober people.  We put up with everyone else but we can forgive them and maybe not associate with them as much as we should. 

As we grow older and sober,  it becomes  easier to see what's important in our lives and who is important to us. We can let go so that we can heal and live our lives in healthy and grateful ways. Time heals all wounds but really time can only heal them if we let it. If we open ourselves to the possibilities of living each moment in the moment. 

We can choose to live with the pain, cover it up with alcohol, and be resentful and angry or we can choose to live our lives the way we should live it and want to live it.

I love you Memere. I'll make you proud. Xxoo

Tired Day 1 Again!

Hi guys.
I'm really tired today.  I feel like I'm not as energetic as my first quit date of July 16th.  Not sure why.  Maybe my body and my mind are saying " Slow the Hell Down Jen.  You're thinking and doing way too much."
Anyway.  I am sober. I am going to bed.
Goodnight!
xo

New Beginnings

This is my 2nd post today...

Alcoholic is a nasty word. Say it out loud and chances are you still get the classic image of the falling-down booze-hound. A pathetic image, hopeless and depraved, a man made funny and stupid by drink, slurring his words.

In fact, the low-bottom, skid-row bum is the exception, representing only 3-5%. The vast majority of us function remarkably well in most aspects of our lives for many, many years. We put off looking at the dozens of intangible ways alcohol was affecting our lives.   Taken from the book:  Drinking: A Love Story by C Knapp

I learned that alcohol has truly affected my life. Even though I'm handling all aspects of my life, my struggles with booze is always going to be there. 

I've been siting here, very lazily, thinking about some mistakes I've made in my life. Mistakes are what makes me stronger because I learn a lot from them. Last night was a mistake. I can't take it back. I can only move forward from here. 

First thing I will do and need to do is get rid of every thing in my camp and house that contains alcohol. I know that if I ever feel as low as I did  yesterday, I don't want easy access. A few days ago, my blog showed me emptying my bottle of wine. How stupid of me not to get rid of the coolers and the Blue Coracco and the Sour Puss. I guess I thought I had it all under control. Tough little Jen had this thing down pat!  I fooled myself didn't I?

I let my guard down. Big time!  30 days didn't give me Power. I should have set myself up for another 30. 

(this little old man just sat beside me....OMG he smells like a brewery....gag!)

I was going to lie to you and pretend that I didn't drink last night and continue on with my life but I know that I'd have to live with that decision and I want to be honest, especially with myself. 

I did try and come off my anti-depressants, so maybe my body just had a total meltdown. I know that the pressure I felt was unbearable. I was miserable, irritated and pissed off cause I didn't want to drink but I did want the drink. 

I know how wonderful I felt, being sober for 30 days and I want that back!  Immediately!  I need that back!  When I saw my face in the mirror this morning, it reminded me of all those morning of feeling like shit, swollen, tired,  and old.  The last month of sobriety was exuberating!  I will try harder this time, to make it last forever, or at least 60 days for now!  

I'll journey with you for my next 60 days and beat my record. If you haven't seen this blog (http://tryonedayatatime.blogspot.ca/) please check her out. She needs us too!  

I have learned so much in the last 35 days or so from all of you. I will continue to read, comment and post everyday. I know I need you more than ever.  

Tomorrow will be my Day 1. I'm not drinking today, but I don't feel great and I know tomorrow will be my new beginning....

Honestly...

Good morning 

Thanks for all your notes yesterday. Your support means the world to me.   Last night was the worst for me. My nerves were shot so badly. I felt like my body wanted to explode.  

I almost opened my Smirnoff Ice cooler about 24 times just to cool off. It's still in the fridge. I will definitely get rid of it today and it won't be in my body. 

I ate a whole bag of BBQ chips and 2 big bowls of peanut butter crunch ice cream. 

I downloaded the book that a few people recommended on here. Drinking. A Love Story by Caroline knapp.   What a great read.  Here's what I learned last night. Notes from the author. 

Alcoholic is a nasty word. Say it out loud and chances are you still get the classic image of the falling-down booze-hound. A pathetic image, hopeless and depraved, a man made funny and stupid by drink, slurring his words.

In fact, the low-bottom, skid-row bum is the exception, representing only 3-5%. The vast majority of us function remarkably well in most aspects of our lives for many, many years. We put off looking at the dozens of intangible ways alcohol was affecting their lives.

I learned that alcohol has truly affected my life. Even though I'm handling all aspects of my life, my struggles with booze is always going to be there.  

Pause pause pause 

Oh boy!  Honestly, I drank lots last night.  Fuck!  My face is swollen today. I hate myself. It sucked that I have no other way to control my anxieties.  I did eat chips and ice cream and the urge to drink was overwhelming.  I didn't get wasted or anything but I felt numb for a while. I felt like all these stresses are going on my life and it just accumulated till I wanted to burst. I felt so tired and depressed and anxious.   

I'm sorry to disappoint you all, my friends an my sister, and Me. 

I'm not sure where to go from here.  I do know that I want to stay sober today and for the next 30 days to come. 

Truth

I'm not gonna lie here and tell you I'm okay. I'm not okay. I don't know if I can handle not drinking for the rest of my days. Now that I've told people, including blogging friends that I quit, I feel stress and pressure to not drink. 

Last night at my neighbours campfire, my friend G said he was disappointed because it hasn't been as fun around here without me drinking. He basically gave me heck for training for my marathon (excuse that I gave him) and now that I'm in bed early and without booze its boring. And I have to agree with G. I'm probably extremely boring. I don't know how to have fun and laugh and let loose. I even find it hard to have long conversations with people and sometimes find I'm lost for words   

When I drank, I always had something to say, always made people laugh and always had perfect come-backs in conversations with people.  I miss being the life if the party. I don't want to be boring...and I am. I'm bored quite often too. 

Am I an alcoholic?  Maybe not. I didn't fall down drunk everyday. I didnt get up and needed beer first thing in the morning, like the people we see on Intervention .  I controlled it quite often and always took care of my kids and house and job. Is it really that bad to have a couple of relaxing glasses of wine, with your neighbours once in awhile?  Socially. I know I  can control it, especially now because I know I don't ever want to fall down drunk again. I am determined t stay in control of it. I won't let it control me like it did in the past. 

I told my neighbour K about my struggles and concerns about being an alcoholic. Her response was "no way!  You're not an alcoholic! ". Why would she think that?  Probably because I'm managing my life just fine. 

Moderation is in my thoughts now. Although I've read many blogs about this subject, I really feel ready for it. I feel like I could try it for 30 days now and see what happens. 

I know I may get the shit kicked out of me with this post but I gotta be honest with myself and with you. 

Jen

Letter to Family

Dear Mom & Dad and Sistas

I love you all very much.  I’m writing this letter today to let you all know that today, August 15^th, marks my 30^th day of sobriety.

As you all know, my struggles with alcohol has been noticeable and haunting me  for years.  I’ve read many self-help, alcoholic books and even went to rehab but nothing worked for me.  I always resorted to alcohol in the end.

I decided to become sober because 35 days ago, I had a blackout!  Not sure how I got back to camp after drinking at my friends camp all day.  S. was here, so the kids were taken care of.  I don’t remember talking to them or hitting the sack.  All I know is that I hated the feeling of wondering what stupid things I said or did the night before.

Another reason I decided to become sober is because I felt like shit.  I felt unhealthy, tired, aged, and lonely.  I spent a lot of time at home, drinking alone and didn’t do any visiting because that would interfere with my drinking.  Heck, I could not drink and drive.

 I’ve created a Blog to write about my journey to sobriety.  I owe my new support group of bloggers the biggest thanks ever.   I’ve made many new stranger friends  that have helped me discover so much about myself and reasons why I drank.  They are extremely understanding because they have been through the process of finding sobriety too. This online support group has truly saved my life.

I learned that I’m a highly functioning alcoholic.  I can manage a home, children, a full-time career, and all the coaching and extra stuff I do.   I’ve learned that not everyone drinks or have to drink on a daily basis like I did.  I drank because I thought I was thirsty and the beer would quench my thirst, but really it didn’t.  It only made me dehydrated and made me want more.  I drank because I thought it would keep my mind and anxieties at a low, but really it didn’t.  It only made me more anxious and extra hyper and I never really knew how to have a calm and balanced lifestyle.  I drank because I thought I could forget about the stresses of my hectic day or bad marriage, but really the problems were there anyway and I wasn’t dealing with them.  I drank because I thought I always had to be the life of the party, but really that’s not who I want to be anymore.  The person who is the life of the party has so much pressure to be this way, that she wants to drink more and more until she blanks out and acts like an idiot.  She does things she would have never, ever done if she were sober.   I drank because I wanted to numb myself.  It worked.  I loved being numb and buzzed.  Absolutely, loved it!  I drank because I’m an alcoholic.  My body needs and craves alcohol.  I have this disease and I want to fight it! 

I have been sober for 30 days.  I’m amazed that it’s been that long.  I sit here at camp and watch my neighbours get wasted.  They call me over for shots, or beer or wine and I say no.  Crazy eh?  Do I miss it?  Hell yeah!  I think about drinking most of the day.  But, I also think of how great I feel in the morning, how great my body is looking lately, how great I feel after a run!  I ran my first 10 KM last week at home.  I could have never done that if I was drinking.

I choose Health and Sobriety! 

I want my children to know that they can conquer any disease or problems that come to them when they grow up.  If I continue to drink the way I was, I’m not showing them that anything is possible. 

I wish sobriety on anyone who is trapped in the alcoholic trap.  It’s fucking hard but so worth it. 

My life is getting in order....I’m feeling balanced and calm.  I feel like am a better mom.  My poor kids only know the loud crazy mom, so it’s an adjustment for them, especially K.  She’s just like me.....and I can’t blame her for being hyper and loud.  That’s all she’s ever known.  I love my kids more than anything in the world.  I hope to lead them down the right path.

My fridge is filled with water bottles.  Helps me a lot.  I’ve met a couple of people that don’t drink.  Helps me a lot.  Hitting the sack with no buzz, helps me a lot.  Knowing I won’t be hungover tomorrow, helps me a lot.  Knowing I’m saving a shit load of cash is cool too.

Life doesn’t revolve around alcohol.  35 days ago, I would have disagreed with that statement.  Today, I know that Life revolves around peace, tranquility and happiness, kids,  and the beautiful creations of God.

I know you will all support my decision to quit drinking.  I’m not worried about you drinking around me.  Be who you are.  Be happy.

Love always and forever

Jen

Xxoo

A Poem by Louise Hay In the Infinity of life where I am, all is perfect, whole, and complete, and yet life is ever changing. There is no beginning and no end, only a constant cycling and recycling of substance and experiences. Life is never stuck or static or stale, for each moment is ever new and fresh. I am one with the very Power that created me, and this Power has given me the power to create my own circumstances. I rejoice in the knowledge that I have the power of my own mind to use in any way I choose. Every moment of life is a new beginning point as we move from the old. This moment is a new point of beginning for me right here and right now. All is well in my world.